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I chose the name Neuro because I like to study my brain and yes I’ve seen a MRI and CT scan of my head. It was brief. I do not want to study anyone else without their permission. You have my permission to read this and study my mind. I need some help with shaking that started in 2020 and hallucinations that started in 2022. Recently I have been guided into getting help for my state of being. I hope I never have to have a conservatorship. If anyone has advice on how to better myself and try and move forward with my life I will listen. If you know how to survive psych wards… or take a medication that works… or a therapy that works… or watch a good show on tv that helps. Like Unbelievable which is this show where we get to see funny and sometimes dangerous moments that people have caught on camera. Some stuff shouldn’t be shown though in my opinion. I’m currently taking medication. Right now it’s: Haldol, Ativan, and Austedo. I take them daily. I want to stop all 3.

I’m not playing any FPS video games anymore. I’m going to try and live a life free of violence. That means weapons of any kind in person too. I do not know what could be behind targets that I should at. It’s all bad. No more. We all should cleanse from this. Tbh. I’m here to talk things out if you want to talk. I’ve gone too far in a game I played a few months ago. This is something I want to talk about. I wish I never did it. I was on prescription medication at the time and it was evening. I forget when exactly. It might have been March. I did something very careless and violent in Elder Scrolls. I hope no one is doing the same. I’m sorry. Be careful out there everyone.

It's been a long time and I haven't shared any new updates since a while. Sometimes, I feel it's just 2008 and we just started our community but when I see the calendar, it's 2018. When we started while back it was just me, Rainier, Joe, FEM, yoyo and medic. Rest others followed over the period of time. Medic was the one who pursued me big time, to add COD4 servers when COD4 was at peak. Then we become super popular in COD4 in top 5 and over the period of time, server activity declined. My this year goal is to make COD4 popular again slowly with new server settings and bring some oldies back for fun. I still can't believe Anique, you are still around. Even V!per came back from FAG days. I still can't believe almost 10 years have passed by. 10 years is a long time. I was single, working, running community during free time and enjoying my free life. It used to be really fun time and it still is. But let's be honest, oldies are like your first love in life. You never forget them no matter what. I just wish Rainier, Joe, Medic and others would get active again. I kinda miss them sometimes. I am glad yoyo is still around and kicking, irrespective to our personal differences while back. But hey it's all history and I look forward each day towards rising sun! I never for even once thought I will get to see 2018 with =F|A=. I had some rough time in my life during 2010-2013 and lot's of people helped me out. It would really hurt when I have to say, sorry guys, we are closing our community because of less donations, less peeps, less server activity. I get it, whatever comes in existence has to expire. But then every year, I say to myself, God no not this year, one year more. I would hate to see not talking to all of you. We will be soon looking to promote some of our new members to help out oldies like me and fill in the shoes so that they can continue legacy of =F|A=. Does that mean, I am going inactive? No not at all. I will be around and kicking. In fact, I have started advertising about our website on COC, COR, COD4, ET, Insurgency and DOI forums to get more new players to our community. This community has given me so much, that I can't forget. For once, I wish, I can go on lunch with all the members but alas, we humans are dreamers and that's what keep us alive. We are nothing but emotional animals, looking for some love from our friends and family. In this case =F|A= has been my first baby, friends and family! I for one, thank you to all of you for being so nice to me over all the years. From members to staff, I am lucky enough to find friends who came out for rescue when I needed the help most. I will see you all tomorrow. Have a nice weekend ladies & gentleman!

Since everyone writes such kind of stories in here, I thought I also may able to add one of these. How did I get into this clan, what happened throughout the last 2 and a half years, what are my thoughts of the clan nowadays and so on. (I guess I get sentimental since i'm finished with school and am at a turning point in my life (heading for a university, that is) , so I want to share some nostalgic and dear moments of me being in this clan. Maybe it even helps to encourage new trials when they see that if a noob like me gets to be co-leader, they'll do it in no time . OK enough about my high hopes on that piece of typing, let's head back to 2009. I was 16 back then and played ET regularly at the -=AN=- NQ server. A friend of mine, T2WAII (maybe some of you remember him), who had recently started playing ET, led me to the very first NQ server of this clan I'm a proud member of, now known as NQ1. Good old days, I have to say. Just imagine: Unlimited charge, ammo and iirc a guidable Panzerfaust. I remember Skullcollector rampaging through the server with nonstop adre (nub lol ^^). Airstrikes all over the place, extreme rambos and the like, sure, it was chaos, but soo much fun. One memorable day, Skully asked me via pm whether I had interest in joining the clan, first inquiring about my age. Back then, I used the default settings (mouse sens at 12 lol) and didn't knew anything about PMing people. So I wrote my answers in main chat (and today I get a headache, when I am asking someone via pm and receive answers in main chat ^^). Long story short, I eventually found my way to forums, got the trial status without applying (yay). And wore the tags (seriously, it took me about half an hour to find out how to make that middle bar thingy, I was just too stubborn to ask lol). Being shy and not used to the English language at all, (now I love to write and speak English, more than German tbh) I made few posts, most of them being one sentence long. I remember my trial time the following: I was at the server and watched the afks, eager to put them spec after 30 seconds of inactivity without asking (nothing changed here lol), I occasionally spoke with skully and nani* (besides the infamous WAAZZZAAAP spam). Eventually I spotted Medic's cfg helpdesk topic and received my very own cfg days later ( which was really amazing, so many nice changes, especially the xhair). Boy, I had fun at those times with skully, nani*, F257 and Nik00 (who seems to have disappeared for good). I can tell, even the maps were almost the same like nowadays. Changes were made, for instance, the soundpack and the overall settings. No unlimited ammo and charge, but still guided zooka (oh the raters hated it ^^ ). Somewhere around the 1st anniversary of this very clan, I got promoted to full member. What a spamfest *sigh*. Honestly I have some blanks in my memories there. I witnessed the very first arrival of Ischwars and Pepperonipizza, Masa and Reptile (with the BH tags) amongst others. I started talking more spanish with nani* ( when I got to know that she was female, well, she's been my "guapa" ever since [stupid hormones huh?]) and opened up in general. My English also improved over time. People I remember from that time were Crokiller, Locoman, ofc T2WAII, Biscotte (with his old clan tags), Jor-el aka [CCT] un4given back then, Soul, Killar, Master and Skills (those three always with identical coloured names, I found that strange), Angels's, Peppero and Ischwars. ( I bet I forgot a whole bunch, sry guys ^^). I also installed a name changer in my config. Oh one funny thing I have to tell you about: My very first ban. One stormy and pitch-black night a unknown aimbotter came on to the server and pwned all. I issued the ban command, well almost, I forgot the reason, which made that attempt a failure. (I was sweating bullets back there lol, didn't want to do anything wrong), then I changed my name and finally issued an impressive 999 seconds ban. One regular asked me then if I was Daredevil due to my clantag-free badass name lol. Time passed by, Masa and Reptile's old BH tags got replaced by shiny new FA ones, I created a vsay spam bind in my cfg, which allowed me to play every single NQ vsay with only one key. (greeting from Jukebox btw ^^) which got out of hand sometimes (sry again Caldas :S). I also discovered that I could mute players (Chappie, Reji) ever, ever, ever, ever, yeah make that 4 evers, FOREEEVEER (or 999d). (that was soo cool) Promotions arrived, to Ischwars, at least, not me (I was pretty concerned about that, like "I was there before him omg where's my promotion?"), but the world seemed fine again after I received the same level ^^ (Silly me lol) along with Peppero. Again guys, promotions are earned you can't just sit on your lazy bums and expect to get one. (yeah, I didn't like that fact at all either ). NQ1 was full at peak times and we even had to kick specs (awesome!!!). But then a little something happened. Ischwars (co-leader at that time) decided to leave us. Along with Angels's and Soul. Unfortunately, furious Soul kept his Admin levels and decided to kick players out of the server. Mass admin and xp level reset was the consequence. Pepper and I were temporarly set to co-leads to set levels. (more toys to play with lol). I was proud to have some kind of responsibility then. Yeah really, I liked it..a lot. Another turning point in my admin career. Txoko asked out to promote me as full time co-leader. That actually was quite a boost in self-confidence for me. Even more so when I finally got to be co-leader, I love that orange coloured-name. And the other perks too (Staff as servants, free access to Dare's cookie jar etc.). And by now, I witnessed a lot of new things in my NQ home: The population of the NQ3 server and, most recently, also of the NQ2 server. Many new trials and members, no guided panzer (R.I.P. Gingerfish will miss you ). Endless new map discussions, annoying German and Swedish cheaters, me getting highest fragger and most hs (Aiming by Raziel jk all honors to RaZiel and his tutorial), 650k xp that guarantee me at least two awards in the roll of honor, hilarious TS weekends...and the list goes on and on.... Tbh I do spend an awful lot of time in front of my PC. My server activity is one of the reasons I got promoted I believe. Also, good knowledge of English (not the swear words), a sincere and mature behaviour when it comes to admining, without taking things too serious though, came in handy. I know how trials might feel about the decision-making but honestly: don't worry about things, sit back and relax. Share a good laugh with others, have fun while doing your duty as admin. Try to solve problems with words rather than commands. Communicate and interact with the community, players and admins alike. You can make some nice e-friends here. Share your thoughts, your hobbies and whatever you want with them if you feel like it. Oh and talk with Krauersaut. Bug him via Xfire whenever you see him online. It may be awkward at first, but in the end it is fun. Even if he doesn't admit it and starts insulting or threatening you, keep going! You are on the right way. Also feel free to bug me via Xfire or PM if you want. I'd love to chat with some new people. Not too many, I'm not Alex ^^ but well... I hope you get the point. Let me share some love and make this one sappy. First of all, my utmost respect goes to Dare, Joe and Rainier for steering this ship to safe shores, whatever storm there might be upcoming You know that we all love you, even though we might not show this at times. Keep up the amazing work. You can count on us, too. Secondly, my most fav leader, Krauersaut. Kai, I always enjoy our Xfire convos, no matter how absurd and fantastic or hilarious they might get. Keep on rocking, Austrian pirate. Another shoutout to my second fav leader , yoyo. You are always welcome to abuse the batman vsay on NQ, matey. I always crank up on your comments, be it in unban requests or other things. You are truly awesome. Last but not least Saizou. I remember you from the old days on NQ1 with those c o l o u r f u l binds. Onwards to co-leaders: I guess, I do love all of you guys, though there are three special ones. I'll get to you later in this blog. You guys are one bunch of a failboat crew I am genuinely happy to join in. I have to mention Baska, for being one of the first (evil) admins I've ever recognized as such, Joker, for ..well..being the Joker (and stay out of my NQ area, I dare you ^^) and also Scream for no particular reason hehe. When it comes to the members, I have to shout: YEASH! EAVEN! FUNK! FACKING MORON!. TS crew with fintards, ponies, sweet girls and a movie quoting dutchman. Hilarious. All the NQ members: Madara, Katon, Killar (or Pinkie Pie, you are some random, love Dashy xoxo),Strangelove, Txoko, Jor-el, Biscotte, Ark, Proffa, Vodka, eclips, Comeback, Deathshead, Joske, Orel, Mukiko...and all the ones I forgot. Big hug to you guys, really I love to see how much effort and time you put in this clan and the NQ servers, without you, NQ1 wouldn't be as awesome as it is. To the NQ trials: Learn, learn, learn, even out, report trouble makers and cheaters but first of all HAVE FUN. Don't get stressed over little things like aiming (yeah KGB this one's for you) and making mistakes, just keep moving on. At Julez, Platonic War and Adryan: You guys are doing an amazing job for NQ2. Keep it on. I have to mention also: Chuckun, for the amazing guy that he is, helpful and friendly and a great addition to this clan. And now for my undeniably, unquestionably, unstoppable 3 co-leaders. I admit I wouldn't have gotten so far if it hadn't been for you. 1st: Pepperonipizza. I was jealous of you by the very first moment, just because you were shooting so damn better than me, lol. But the work you've put into this clan made me feel kinda outranked, so I pushed myself to do something more, in my way, and it worked. But it is not like we are competitors though. No, you kinda inspired me to keep up my good work in order to not fall behind .... in a good way. I love you bro and hope to see some more of you on the server. 2nd: Skullcollector. For inviting me to this awesome clan thus making everything possible in the first run. Thank you soo much mate. You are one tough guy and I am glad you recovered from all those surgeries you had to face. 3rd: Last but NOT least: nani*. Big sis, I guess I owe you more than I can think of. You always supported me and believed in me. And even though my Spanish sucks, you will always be my guapa, hermana and whatnot. Your chiquitin 4ever. Wow what a hell of a ride had it been. I guess I am happy now. I wanted to write this so badly. Btw here are my most used nicknames in the game. Enjoy. =F|A= Raziel ( Surprise) JUKEBOX ( I play the music) Rainbow Dash (20% cooler in 10 seconds flat) =F|A= BelacQua (P. Pullmann: His Dark Materials) =F|A= r@2!3L <3 nani* (because I do) Archangel out.