Depression, anxiety, mental shit.

[yaku]

Hi!

I want to start this topic because a lot of people mention their mental issues in conversations. Unfortunately, these problems are often underestimated by people who are affected by them and by people who have contact with the affected person. Obviously, you have to distinguish being worse from depression, people often confuse these notions, so that the really sick are treated frivolously later, especially at the beginning of their illness, where the most changes can be made. Anyway here is my story:

It's fair to say that the beginnings of my depression date back to the summer of 2017. For the first six months, I thought that they were just worse days, worse mood. I didn't even notice that six months later I cut myself off from everyone and everything. It was a slow process. I was always a bit out of the way, I liked it so it didn't bother me. One day in January 2018, I just woke up completely lifeless. It was the first time I thought life was pointless. Nothing gave me pleasure, I couldn't focus on anything, I stopped working and just withdraw from everything. I really started to get scared when even the music stopped making me happy and irritated me. It may sound funny, but for me, listening to music has always been the best medicine for everything. All I did was eat, sleep, sometimes go to the store, generally waste my time. I couldn't talk to people, I had the feeling that they didn't understand me and I didn't understand them. All their problems seemed trivial to me, meanwhile I fought with myself in my head. Literally, my brain was telling me that I was the worst, that I was messing everything up, that I was useless. I knew it wasn't true, but still these thoughts kept coming. In hindsight, I can see that I was sitting in what I like to call a spiral of nothingness. I wasn't doing anything, I was wasting my time, I was wasting my life, connections and work were gone, so the thoughts of being the worst were becoming more and more real to me. Sometimes when you managed to get me somewhere, I was that happy, happy myself outside, but inside I was dead. I was quickly irritated, tired, I didn't want to have contact with people. For some reason they pissed me off. This state of affairs lasted for about three months, until March 2018. In April, my cats literally kept me alive. Like razors, I clung to the thought that when I will be gone, no one would take care of them. I can confidently say that I live thanks to my cats. It's easy to say "he committed suicide, he chose the easy path". This is bullshit. People with depression have been struggling for a long, long time. They struggle with the thoughts in their head, they get tired of themselves. A really long road leads to suicide. For months such a person can fight with himself/herself and no one will even notice. In April, I was fed up. I was sick of myself, sick of this state. I wrote a long post and posted it on Instagram, deleted it after 5 minutes but someone noticed it anyway. It turned out that this person also suffers from depression, she just was already receiving treatment. We started talking and finally it hit me: someone finally understands me! Someone knows what it is and what a mess it is. It was the first and most important conversation on the way to my healing. It was then that I realized many things that are obvious from a healthy person's point of view, but when you are depressed it is unthinkable. I reached for help. It started with a psychiatrist, diagnosis, some work with a psychologist and medication. I've been taking them for about a year. I began to understand myself again.

 

 

What can I say in retrospect? How has depression affected me?
I certainly changed a lot. I still feel there is some line inside of me that I haven't crossed yet, I still feel that it's not quite that, but it's not bad. First of all, when something starts to break, I know how to get it back under control quickly. I started to enjoy little things. Instead of big goals, I set myself small but achievable ones. Dreams came back. I love music again. I am certainly more direct and care less about what others have to say about me. Am i happy? I don't think so yet. But I'm definitely on my way to that. In a way, I still am hardwired to self-destruct but I know how to stop it.

 

 

I didn't create this post to feel sorry for myself. I would like to show those who are going through this that there is light at the end of the tunnel and it's not a train. Feel free to post your stories too. It may help someone. In this state first step is realizing you are not alone.

 

If you are going through this shit and need a conversation, advice, or just want to throw it all out but you don't want to do it in public, let me know. My discord or private messages here are always open. I do not promise that I will heal you or give you any golden advice, but I will certainly listen and understand. And that's something to start with. Remember - you are not alone. I would also like to encourage people willing to help to leave a sign here that they are willing to talk or help in some way.

 

Don't be shy. This shit can affect everybody.

 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

[Blade202]

You went trough alot and i respect that you survived that, its really hard going trough these stuffy i know that cuz i went trough very hard depression myself.

All of the depression crap started because of bullying, there was noone that liked me really and i would get slurs everyday and sometimes someone would try to physicaly hurt me and it slowly lead to depression, at firdt you dont reallize it something like depression is happening, i didnt even know what depression was until much later, so i kept all my feelings shut and whats been happening for myself until i just really fell into depression, it lead to a few suicide attempts and alot of self harm, i used to smash my head into a wall or something and it problalby lead to brain trauma a bit and now my memmory is very crappy i cant remember much from the past, at one point my wrists were also all just red with lines because i was cutting myself, even psychiatrists didnt help tbh i needed to find something for myself, so i found meditation and stuff i found the basic budhist life style so i addapted to it, meditation is very great thing if you use it right, i really suggest to anyone to meditate.

 

But yeah going trough these stuff is hard,

You arent weak you are strong and you arent alone.

Life might be crap but is it worth trying to find out what happens after desth before you experience this life? I dont think so.

Go out and have fun and dont let anyone tell you that something you do is weird ad long as it doesnt hurt people.

Stay strong!

[spectator]

Well as soon as I was born I was abused. As early as 3 years old I remember being grabbed by the shoulders, pulled by the hair screamed at. I can't remember all my childhood, I was curious so I secretively dug out some old family videos at my mother's house. It wasn't all bad, as horrible as my memories mostly are, I had to check some sort of other record. My father wasn't always a monster we did have fun. These were family videos though, you wouldn't film dad beating the kids...

But I remember horrible things. One day he took a soldering iron and told my brother to touch it, it burned his hand and left a scar the rest of his life.  The thing about such incidents is that my father would laugh heartlessly as if it were funny the man was deranged. He said to my brother ha hahahah , dumby it's hot isn't it dumby.   My brother has issues but still hasn't realized some of them to this day. Sometimes he jokes or is partially serious about teaching children valuable lessons the hard way. Probably because all my father knew was psychotic love  during our childhoods and would actually give a child 3rd degree burns on his hand just to see if he does it and then laugh. He was young, maybe 5 years old... 

My father shot off guns in his bedroom as a child/ young adult leaving bullet holes in the walls... He could come off charming and appealing to people but he treated his friends like garbage and as if they were inferior.  He did the same to my mother's side of the family. When we passed accidents on the road where cars were twisted up or burned he would laugh and say , HAHAHAH they deserved it!  When my grandmother, his mother was dying in the hospice, he was screaming at her, ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE! I don't exactly know what was wrong with the man but he was deranged, he still is. 

I remember when I was around maybe 5 he took me, my sister, younger and older brother through a live active train tunnel. It was the old PA glitzin tunnel in the US, which is now stoned up. It was dark,  it was narrow and when a train came there wasn't much room on the sides of the tunnel... He insisted that we go through it, we could have went around....

One of my worse memories that forever scarred me was when I  was probably around 6 or 7,  I went into the garage and He was dragging my mother across the concrete floor. He picked up 2 by 4s and hit her with them.  Then he opened the garage door as it had a handle on the inside at the time slid her underneath and hit her with the garage door.  He put his weight onto the handles with her body underneath and slammed the door on her body a few times. He was probably trying to kill her.  She was screaming in pain and fear my brother ran up to me and we both screamed , "no " I think it was... but I can't remember what I screamed but I do remember him just laughing at us as we screamed... and I think my brother called the cops on the SOB...They showed up and he was gone. 

Because my life sucked I had to see this lunatic on week ends, WTF? He took us to his parents house, my grand parents... some how he was more mentally balanced, stable those years but how does a child get over that? How do I get comfortable again?  Any relationship I could mend was damaged. Then any part of me that would start to like the man his entire family treated me like shit.  One time he came to pick us up he was laughing hysterically... he told us he just kicked a dog to death, kicked it until it's heart stopped because it was being too loud. He was laughing hysterically. That's the second thing that i know of that he didn't just come close to killing but that he did kill.  He talked to us kids about killing other things though. 

Long story short, I have CPTSD and it's horrible to live with sometimes.  The racing thoughts, the OCD, the intrusive thoughts, the depression, the anxiety. I am not mentally healthy, never had relationships, light on friendships... I didn't even know I had CPTSD most my life. I don't know don't want to talk about it much more.

Sometimes when I get triggered it can last for days to weeks. I wouldn't say I'm the picture of mental health and whether or not it's my fault I have become a broken adult with moderate PTSD symptoms that rule my life and make me uncomfortable around the living. I'm trying to work with it but it's been neglected for years. I begged my mother for help as a child and teenager, and she never took me to see anyone.  I even tried to fake a mental breakdown to have myself committed but it never worked. I just went through life with extreme anxiety, depression and CPTSD symptoms.  

I was terrified this year to drive, go to the mall, etc. I've been trying more but I have been looking for my own place to live, apartments...but apartments are all taken atm near me. I still live at home at 33 years old but yeah....

There's alot of bad shit I remember, the real challenge is trying to remember good things, there were some good things about childhood that i can remember, not many when he was ever around. I guess that's enough for now.

 

[captnconcrete]

i am a 45 yrold  dad grandpa husband..

 

if u would like to chat blow off some steam .. have a different perspective. need help. or just some one to scream at hit me up pm me .. find me anyway u can.. i am always here ...

 

in my life i was always  the rock . the captn . always here to help... no ones perfect.. trust me on that one!!!!! i would like to warn u in the past on gaming forums people will use this as ammo on u if they can .. lets keep this stuff more private. thank you for opening up i bet it was hard.. and thank you for trusting us with your issues. 

 

LIKE I SAID .. I AM ALWAYS HERE  TO HELP .!!!!!!!!

[Gameplan]

2 hours ago, spectator said:

But I remember horrible things. One day he took a soldering iron and told my brother to touch it, it burned his hand and left a scar the rest of his life.  The thing about such incidents is that my father would laugh heartlessly as if it were funny the man was deranged. He said to my brother ha hahahah , dumby it's hot isn't it dumby.   

 

 

My Grandfather used a soldering iron to teach me the same lesson - don't go poking around where you don't belong. Think he called me dumby too. But he didn't laugh about it, and I never saw the shit you saw. No kid should either!

[notellenPage]

Depression is a terrible shit. If u wanna talk, play some chess or do anything, I'm always on discord bro. Stay strong.

[yaku]

21 minutes ago, notellenPage said:

Depression is a terrible shit. If u wanna talk, play some chess or do anything, I'm always on discord bro. Stay strong.

 

 

Just wanna make some things clear. I appreciate it of course, but I'm not the one who is looking for help, I'm the one who is offering my help here. I wish people would share their stories as well here! : )

[Hesis]

Yeah that's why I'll continue my admin duty. I do my best to maintain a good mood on beg2 because I like to think it's an oasis for some people.

People that can get some peace for a few games.

It helped me when I was younger so I do my duty to keep it cool for the other who need it right now.

[Valk]

I don't normally interact on here, just a quick browse. But when I saw this, I read through the posts, I liked the fact someone has come out their shadows to post this.

 

I for one suffer with depression from time to time, whenever it wants to make an appearance, and times when I am really down in the dumps. A great way for me to let off steam and emotions is through gaming, and that still helps to this day. Again I'd like to thank yaku for making this so others can see we're not alone

 

Kind regards, Valk

[laggermcjagger]

How is everyone? I'm doing ok but feel a little stuck atm. But its good to be positive and to not get caught up in a negative loop. 

 

When it comes to mental health you don't want to work.against yourself. I was programmed to be  negative and my mind sometimes races with negative thoughts.

 

But its not good, its not easy to switch off either. I try by watching cartoons,  giving myself personal space when necessary and smoking cbd...

 

I try to find time to relax every day. Personal care is essential. 

 

[yaku]

Just a friendly reminder.

[captnconcrete]

still always here for anyone who needs it!!!! 

Edited August 8, 2022 by captnconcrete

[iOmen]

Well I thought I was on my own with this, but in some way good to know Im not, Ive been suffering with depression, anxiety and insomnia for what feels like some time now, eventually contacting my doctor who has been really helpful and has called me time to time to see how Im doing. been prescribed various drugs to help, but they havent really

Currently on Mirtazapine - anyone else on these? If so have they helped you?

[RedBaird]

/NOT going to lock this topic for being "too old", as the sharing is too important.

 

I spent almost 2 decades being "almost a Zombie" at work before mentioning it to a doctor and receiving anti-depression medications.  I had only been getting 4 hours of sleep because of my skewed circadian sleep rhythm.  

 

Each person's experiences are different. 

 

 

[yaku]

Today is World Mental Health Day. Friendly reminder: you're not alone.

 

 

Edited October 10, 2023 by yaku