Has been a while since my last blog update. What's been happening?
Well. I'm glad you asked. OK. You didn't ask, but I'll let you know anyway.
Started in my college course in September, which has taken up quite a lot of my time - it's all geared towards getting work, so a lot of work. Crazy amounts. Right now I've got three separate group projects; User Centered Design, Web Communications and an Industry project with one of the larger companies in Ireland. These group projects are with three separate groups and carry an immense amount of work. But.. so far.. I'm coping with it all.
I have also found myself in a new relationship. Very nice in fact - only started this weekend. My past relationships have been.. somewhat odd and unfortunate, so I've always been really wary about whether I want one or not. But then this girl came along and she's just incredible in so many different ways that I just feel lucky to even know her.
Fingers crossed that everything goes well.
Interesting times are ahead. Interesting times indeed.
Having grown exceedingly fed up with a job hunt that was proving to be ultimately fruitless, I applied for a postgraduate diploma, which I was invited to interview for and I did. During the group workshops and interviews, they told us that 800 people (though it could have been more) were applying for just 200 places, so in essence, only 1 in 4 would get it.
Then followed two weeks of waiting and nervousness, until I finally received an email telling me that I had been accepted. I was amazed as I was among the youngest in my own group interview and everyone else had far more experience than I had. So I was just absolutely amazed and delighted, but it was in Dublin, which is on the other side of my country, which meant that I had to move, leave my home - where I've lived for pretty much my whole life, but I didn't mind, because I was growing exceedingly fed up with my current situation.
The awkward thing now is that I was unable to find a house in time, so now I am staying in a hostel while I try to find a place, which is proving more difficult than I had thought as it is more expensive than I'm used to, so my budget can't stretch that far in a lot of cases.
Ah well, at least my life is finally getting somewhere.
There are times when things catch my eye and I think, "these could make for a good poem". It's been something I've done for years - I'm a writer, somewhat. I've done countless short stories and poems, have written two novellas and have started (but not finished) a few books. Unfortunately a while ago my old laptop and my external harddrive went KAPUTT, which meant I lost a good portion of my work and my two novellas, though I'm sure I have them somewhere still.
So, I thought I would share with you my latest poem, Our Blanketed Heaven
On my bed she is a-sleeping,
as the dreams come slowly creeping.
Through her head and in her mind,
I lie wondering what she might find.
At once she lets out a delicate snore,
turns on her hip and does some more.
My hand reaches and rests on her side,
and I wonder if God had lied;
that this is Heaven, yet I’m still here,
beside this beautiful Angel, that’s lying near.
Life is interesting.
Well, my life is anyways.
It seems like drama follows me around everywhere. Like herpes. And added chlamydia.
Last night my ex girlfriend texts me out of the blue, asking to meet up. It's rather difficult to get into our past, because it's quite long winded and generally when I'm finished, people are usually completely in disbelief - but general synopsis; we broke up maybe this time(ish) last year but kept seeing each other on and off 'til July, when she left for the Caribbean for a month. Before she leaves, she tells me she loves me and for the first week or two we keep in contact, then this stops. Around the same time a hurricane passes through there and at this point I'm genuinely worried. Few weeks later she mails me to tell me quite simply, "I'm OK". I won't launch in to the complexities of it, but when she gets back we hook up (twice) and find out after the second time that she somehow got married over there.
I, of course, find this out a few days later when I am visiting my sister in London.
So, whatever, I laugh it off as much as possible, then a few weeks later we randomly bump into each other and then find out she has a girlfriend.
Nothing wrong with that, but previously she was married.
Anyways, I was quite .. well .. not interested in meeting up at all and told her so, rather politely, because it's who I am. Somewhat I think she regrets the way things were but I know that I can't even be friends with someone who could do that to anyone else, let alone to me.
Somehow I just get myself into these situations, without ever meaning to. Drama just follows me around.
We were texting for some of last night and today and it made me realize that despite all of that, there were some lingering feelings so I told her this. I can't let people think I'm an a**h****, because I'm not, so I wanted her to understand why I can't see her.
So, affairs of the heart are confusing.
Here I sit, on a bus back to my side of the country, wearing my fancy ass suit that I wore to my interview. I came up yesterday, to have a walk around Dublin, which was fun. Went to this fantastic all-you-can-eat buffet, where you picked the vegetables, meats, spices and sauces that you wanted and then gave them to a guy who cooked them all on this massive BBQ grill thingy in front of you. Had about 4 dishes and could probably have had more, but they were shutting up.
The interview itself seemed to go OK - the Head of Sales seemed happy with what I was saying but it was incredibly hard to read the Head of Recruitment, but I'm going to remain positive until Tuesday, when they said they'd get back to me. Seemingly there's a lot of people interviewing for the roles, so we'll see how I did.
As for this girl - well;
We had a conversation on Monday and it seems that we both want different things, so we're putting it on the backburner. Bit of a pity, yes, but at least we both know now before it went anywhere more serious.
OK, maybe I don't entirely have anything important to say. Yes, it was a sly tactic but if you're reading it then it worked. Hur hur. Fooled you.
Yes, yes. Liar liar, pants on fire. I see Paris, I see France, I see your underpants.
Now, where was I? Oh yes. New blog post. Interesting.
Right now I'm sitting at my family home, the sun shining against my face with a gentle breeze blowing. OK, not so gentle now. Brr. But I'll soldier on nonetheless. I have a busy week, an interesting week. I head back to the city tomorrow night so I can get my suit dry cleaned Monday. Also on Monday and most of Tuesday, I shall be preparing myself for my interview on Thursday. They want a presentation - just two slides, five minutes in total; the first slide being why I want to work for their company and the second slide saying why I should get the role. It's going to be in front of the guy who runs the company and the Head of Sales.
Thankfully I'm well prepared for it - since my course was largely IT and business based, I've done countless presentations, some informal and some formal, where we all had to use suits. And for each of these, I was usually the spokesperson. Public speaking is what I do best, which stands completely at odds with my previous post.
Then again, it's who I am; I am one contradiction after another. When people see me, they judge me but I always surprise. I remember the shock my housemates expressed after returning with my first tattoo. Once I returned with my second a few weeks later and my ear piercing a few weeks after that, they weren't so surprised any more. "I got bored", I told them. And it's true - when I'm bored, really bored, which rarely happpens, I tend to do stuff. Recently I tried shaving part of my hair, thankfully not enough to notice, because I stopped myself in time. Just because I had nothing else to do.
Alas I don't have the ear piercing anymore. It got ripped out when I was taking off a jumper. It hurt like a b***.
Like. A. b***.
OK - time to carry on with the rest of my week:
On Wednesday I am travelling up to where my interview will be, so I can familiarize myself with the location, get myself all relaxed before eventually making my way there on the Thursday at 3PM; laptop probably in my awesome PS2 bag, which will look quite funny with my slightly snazzy-suit, so I'll be all set for the interview. As soon as its over, I'll be making my way back to my city. Then on the Friday I will be taking the 5 hour trip to see someone I'm sorta seeing, which I'm very excited about. It'll also be the last time I'll see her in about a month, as she is in her final weeks of her final year of college, so understandably so, I'll be on the backburner. But it's OK, she's worth the wait.
I'm awesome too. It's a great paring.
I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this, but who knows, maybe it'll do me some good to get it off my chest. Maybe it'll do me some good to read it back. Who knows?
Here we go -
I suffer from pretty bad anxiety. This comes from a rough childhood and a whole lot of other stuff that isn't entirely important right now. This anxiety usually manifests itself in the form of social anxiety, which I'm dealing with better. It was tough and go, but I got there. Mostly this causes a domino effect and I spiral down into a depression. I don't know if I actually suffer from depression or it is just an annoying byproduct of my anxiety, but that's not the issue.
Not many people know I suffer from it. Well, more know now, but not people I know and that know me. Heck, not even my parents know it, but I'm pretty sure they suspect it. Guess sometimes it's just hard to hide it.
As it stands right now in Ireland, having any form of a mental illness (whether it be depression, anxiety or anything else) is seen as taboo and discussing these things, particularly with men, is something that just isn't done. We laugh it off, bury it deep down and then ... go crazy.
My battery is about to die, so I'll finish this in the morning.
OK. Both my laptop and my batteries are now fully recharged, so where was I -
It's amazing the things I've seen like kids who were alcoholic by the age of 15, because they couldn't handle their everyday lives and they had nobody to talk to. It's a hard thing to be surrounded by things like that when you're growing up, especially in rural Ireland, where what would be a frequent sight would be middle aged-elderly men passed out at bar counters, just because they couldn't face going home, couldn't face that reality. I know that Ireland is not alone in these situations, but I'm only talking from experience.
Heck, even the mere mention of going to see a counselor/psychiatrist would get catcalls of "gay", or "stupid", or "weak". We are raised to be islands, to be alone, to never open up. And, as much as I am trying to change this, it is still the case.
OK, this is a blog.
Well, fancy that.
OK. I'm getting myself off track. Where was I? Where am I? Have I got pants on? Yes. Good.
I'm not entirely sure what to say here, apart from general ramblings about different things, which is essentially what a blog is, right? Look - I'm shouting words at the internet. CAN. YOU. HEAR. ME?
Guess a follow-on from my introduction thread. I'm 26. From Ireland. For now. This could change within the next couple of months/year, because alas, there just isn't anything for me here, not if I want to move on in my life and actually go somewhere good.
Somewhere good. Where's that?
Where I'm earning money - actual money - and I don't need to think, "OK, do I really need that jumper, that game, or even that bottle of Coke?" Yup. I'm just that broke, believe me, I know the annoyingness of it.
This recession has hit Ireland pretty bad. But seemingly we were constantly lied to about just how bad it is by our politicians and the media. According to my sister, who works for a TV company in England, we were only being told half the story. It's like where ever you go, it's all people talk about; how broke they are (yes, I acknowledge the irony of my complaining about that), how angry they are, how depressed.. yada yada. It's no wonder that in the West of Ireland we have the highest suicide rates of males aged 18-25 in the whole of Europe. The. Whole. Of. Europe. An area that isn't even that big. Something is wrong there.
But I digress. I mostly digress, actually. It's become a hobby for me. A pastime, heck, it's pretty much become my occupation.
Speaking of which, I have a phone interview with this great company located on the other side of the country, in Dublin, which would be a great place to work for, but the job itself is vague, plus it was trainee in the title, so if it turns out it's either unpaid or not paid enough, I'd have to turn it down. By not paid enough, I mean enough for me to survive, enough for me to have a living. I've done the whole surviving on peanuts thing and it ain't for me anymore.
But life ain't bad.
Life is good.