Apple Sinks to Selling a $10K 'Douchebag Detector'

[Night Hunter]

                             

 

Movie star Anna Kendrick managed to say something in a single tweetthat instantly nails anyone who would buy a gold Apple Watch Edition: "We should be thanking Apple for launching the $10,000 'apple watch' as the new gold standard in douchebag detection."

Right on.

 

 

 

There's one complication, though. People who believe that a gold Apple Watch is an important status symbol -- or somehow the height of fashion -- aren't the real problem here.

 

Of course, people who buy things to bring them status are some of the saddest and most deplorable humans around -- and I don't mean to let them off the hook. Status should be about what you do, how you act, and how you elevate those around you. Period.

What I'm getting at is that the shallow stupidity that forms the core of people who live with thoughtless privilege isn't what disappoints me with the Apple Watch Edition.

It's Apple.

Apple missed an opportunity to do something truly great and instead did something far beneath its potential.

 

 

Conspicuous Consumption

Most of Apple's seemingly overpriced products are rooted in technology and profit margins. The technology that is built into each product tends to have some sort of connection to the function it provides -- a better, sharper more expensive Retina display, for example, is at least loosely connected to the price. A larger screen is at least loosely connected to the price. Better, faster processors are usually connected to the price.

Gold for the sake of gold is disconnected from the presumed purpose of an Apple Watch.

OK, the gold is for fashionistas, right?

That's its purpose -- to look good for rich people to buy. What's wrong with that?

If that's all Apple wanted to do -- make something pretty for the glitterati -- that's sad. Worse, it represents a missed opportunity, which I'll get to in a minute.

First, consider this: What if Apple started making 18-karat gold iPhones? There are some people on Earth who would buy them. What if Apple started making 18-karat gold iPads and released them a few months early, only to those who could afford them? Apple has every right to do so. Heck, there have been other companies that have fastened diamonds onto iPhones.

I guess there are worse things you could do with your life than make a profit off massively rich douchebags.

However, that's not Apple. Or that wasn't Apple. Hard to say where Apple goes from here, but consider this:

I'm unlikely to run into many people who would buy and wear a US$10,000 gold Apple Watch, but the very fact that this Edition exists -- for no good reason at all -- makes me less likely to want to wear an Apple Watch myself. Instead of raising the desire of an Apple Watch among the masses, the gold Apple Watch aligns what I wear on my wrist with what a dumbass would buy.

Apple has created a product that makes sense -- the Apple Watch -- with aversion of it -- the Apple Watch Edition -- that makes no sense. There is no technical purpose to use the gold -- but it's prettier, you might say, and therefore worth it!

If you're saying the gold is prettier and therefore worth it, please stop reading right now. This column is not for you. Go buy a small dog to carry around as a fashion accessory that can help fill the cold empty spot inside you when you match its collar with your belt.

Meanwhile, what about the tradition of other highly expensive watches? Aren't they are least as pointless as the Apple Watch Edition?

Maybe -- but I'm perfectly fine with many of them -- and I'm perfectly fine with a rich guy buying an expensive watch.

However, it should have a connection to its value. The craftsmanship and style that go into the building of such a watch can be rewarded. There are guys who have devoted their lives to learning the trade and who are able to assemble tiny gears and springs to create a timepiece that keeps accurate time. That's amazing.

Heirloom watches last for generations and boast timeless style. Can you imagine packing around a first-generation 18-karat gold iPhone just because it technically would still function with a new battery? It's stupid. The Apple Watch Edition is the sort of thing that eventually will get left in a drawer like an old iPod.

Because the Apple Watch Edition is a smartwatch, it is a consumable device -- not an heirloom. It won't last multiple generations. When the price is so wildly disconnected from the technology, craftsmanship and purpose, its existence becomes obnoxious.

As an Apple enthusiast, can I simply ignore the douchebags who will inevitably drop more than $10,000 for it? Drop $17,000 for it? Yes -- but only because Anna Kendrick so aptly pointed out that it represents the new gold standard in douchebag detection. (Thank you, Anna. I promise to watch one of your movies.)

There's a Much Better Way

The real question is how could Apple have dropped the ball so spectacularly? Did the company's leaders get lost in their own navels, feeling the need to take on expensive traditional watches? Did they need to have an answer? Did they want their own gold watch?

Was it just calculated free marketing dollars? As in, the more people talk about newfangled $17,000 wrist 'puters, the better? Was it the notion that a high-end and a low-end watch might direct people to buy the "sensible" watch priced in the middle? Is this just a necessary psychological ploy to sell more stainless steel watches?

If any of this is true, Apple didn't do its real job and focus on a making products that have a reason for being -- that touch lives and improve them. A thousand no's for every yes, right? The Apple Watch Edition should have been a no.

Yet that's not quite right, either. In the place of the current Apple Watch Edition, Apple should have created something much better -- something actually worthy of being a symbol.

Why didn't Apple invent a fancy new gold coating instead of using real gold, and then sell a premium Apple Watch with the stipulation that a large portion of the proceeds would go to support some charity? Or to produce sustainable energy? Or fund scientists to efficiently desalinate seawater? Or back a mission to Mars?

Why not make the new fashion bragging right about something important rather than ostentatious? Seriously. Tim Cook, Jony Ive, and Apple all wield serious power, and instead of doing something exceedingly smart, they did something exceedingly... standard.

A high-priced Apple Watch -- even a gold edition that costs $50,000 --could have been a status symbol by the virtue of what it representedbeyond itself as a product: a contribution to a charitable foundation or the pursuit of science for the good of humanity.

Apple could have curated several options, and then laser-etched the choice onto the back of the Apple Watch. Maybe such a watch would have a spectacular custom watchface to go with the choice -- only available on that Edition.

Suddenly, instead of functioning as a douchebag detector, it would be a status symbol signifying something worthwhile. Suddenly, the status symbol could be a talking point. Suddenly, people with astounding means might take a moment to think -- maybe even involuntarily -- about their own status and what role they play in the world.

Apple could have transformed the watch industry -- could have thought beyond the wrist and what it actually means to move around in our world.

Instead, the reality of what Apple has produced today is disappointing. Apple seems to be caught up in the notion of fashion, and rather thanredefine fashion -- which is what Apple prides itself on doing, redefining -- it tried to make a better 18-karat gold alloy for a me-too watch. That's great, Apple. Really great. Nice dent in the universe..

[TulsaGeoff]

 

$10,000 for an eletronic watch. Lol...

 

I'd much rather have the new Rolex Daytona for that. However, I'm not in a position to spend $10,000 on a watch and probably never will be LoL

[Night Hunter]

+1 tulsa lol

[ancientmule]

My Citizen EcoDriver is still expensive for a watch for me and I used it only when I go out for meetings (i didnt even pay more than  100 dollars).. my watch is my phone.. nuff said

[SiD]

I can't even stand wearing a normal watch these days. Shit is restrictive.

 

Also Anna Kendrick is awesome. I've read her tweets, She's pretty humorous most times.

 

 

For good measure.

 

[Krayzie]

I'd much rather wear a real watch. Either my Movado, my Bulova, or my Citizen, all purchased for 1/5th of that Apple watch. Oh and that comes with a lifetime warranty to fix ANYTHING wrong with it, including a cracked crystal that I've done 3 times wearing it at work.

[Exact.]

I like watches of a lot of brands. Now we got something from Apple they call a watch. I just don't understand it.......

 

It looks like a watch I had when I was a little child, with a little screen and some buttons. But one thing is sure, people will buy this shit.....

[CruelKind]

reminds me of this... at least with this guy you figured out right away that you're a douche.

Edited March 13, 2015 by CruelKind

[Naddi]

I got to admit that i like apple. I got myself a MB Pro & an iPhone. I fell in love with both and would never switch back to anything else. Call me crazy, 'cause actually i am. 

But $10.000 for that shitty watch? Seriously?! For that small amount of gold & electronics that has been used?! 

 

No... just a simple no!

I'd rather buy myself a Rolex for that money, because it's just good looking and classy. I don't need a modern watch with a lot of electronics.... I mean, what do we have smartphones for?

Well, at least we don't only got smartphones now. There are smartwatches out there, too. Yaaaay..... 

[Krayzie]

And in all honesty who would buy that apple watch at 10k, when you can get Galaxy Gear watches for $400 or less NEW

[SiD]

Got a free ipad once.

 

It sits and collects dust now. Apple's unwillingness to be cross platform friendly turned me off.

 

itunes is also a pain in the ass. After years of using multiple devices that had compatible chargers, SD card support and easy drag and drop transfer systems, my first impression of a new Gen apple product was not good.

 

Then you couple this with the upturned noses in the art industries and I'm just like. Cool. Gon' go play all my games and do ma photoshop and video editing on pc now. Adios hombre!

[gibson66]

Gonna piss off a lot of people by saying this, but people who buy watches over 150 dollars are morons.

 

1) It's a fashion statement, not even an interesting one at that. It's function has, for better or worse, been completely erased with the advent of the mobile phone. Even worse, people who buy Rolexes or other over-priced big-name watches match the following description with frightening accuracy: nouveau-riche pricks that think they've conquered the world because they can afford a beemer with an automatic transmission and a rolex, even if daddy bought both for them. They reek of walmart-caliber cologne, wear 4 digit Italian glasses, and dress like Ralph-lauren model rejects. The style is bad enough, but then there's the attitude. the "I can afford a rolex, look how much better I am. I'VE WON." attitude that makes me think Marx might have been on to something.

Does Bill Gates or Warren buffet wear rolexes? f*** no. They didn't get to the top without knowing how to identify a polished turd

 

 

2) Look up what the cheapest Rolex ( I looked it up for shits and giggles. 2.5k. That's more than some families make in a month) and tell me you can't get the same already limited functionality out or a 15 dollar japanese "Rorex." Don't give me that shit about how it's a more accurate when it comes to telling time. I don't care how precise your watch is, the number of situations for the average human in which that will actually be useful is less than the number of times Louie Gohmert has formed a cogent thought.

 

And now on to the Gold iwatch. Anyone who buys this has shown not one, but two absolute failings in the ability to reason. The Iwatch is yet another tech fad and not even apple, the ajax of the tech industry, can make this work.  Somewhere in california, there's a warehouse crushing all of the unused google glasses and oculus rifts so it can make room for the impending flood of Iwatches.

 

Then you dipped it in gold.

.

I could go on some tirade about it's not worth it. 

 

Douchey watch+douchey gold= douchebag detector

 

 

I needed to get that out of my system.