*OFFICIAL* Joke thread!

[Penisland]

ITT: We will post jokes. Everyone needs a laugh once in a while..right?

Try to keep it clean people

 

I'll start

 

A guy is walking down the street and sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

 

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

 

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

 

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts

just once for $10,000 dollars?"

 

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

 

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

 

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

 

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much...............

 

another one that made me lol A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Heaven.

 

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

 

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. By the time there are only ten people left, this one guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

 

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

 

So, the next time you are last in line.......smile!

 

another one that made me laugh

 

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Heaven.

 

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

 

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. By the time there are only ten people left, this one guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

 

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

 

So, the next time you are last in line.......smile!

[asp]

Why do tampons have string?

 

 

 

 

So that we (the guys) can floss our teeth when we're done eating.

[Wifestein]

Why do tampons have string?

 

 

 

 

So that we (the guys) can floss our teeth when we're done eating.

 

Not only guys, love the periodsauce

[asp]

Not only guys, love the periodsauce

 

Add some pepper to it and it's delicious, just like tomato juice.

[Wifestein]

Add some pepper to it and it's delicious, just like tomato juice.

 

and some sugar to make it even more sweet. btw, love you already

[asp]

and some sugar to make it even more sweet. btw, love you already

 

SCORE!

[D..X]

[CSL]

So this priest has to go out of town for an emergency and needs someone to fill in at the confessional, so he calls his friend a Rabbi to fill in. He gives the rabbi a list of sins with amount of hails marrys and charity needed to atone for the sin.

All goes well for most of the day until one guy enters the confessional and says " Forgive mr father for i have sinned I had sex with a priest." The rabbi goes down the list sees sex with a dog sex with a sheep but no sex with a priest.

Confused he sticks his head outside his side of the booth and sees the alter boys practicing. He says to them "boys what do you get for having sex with a priest, they think for a second and and answer "cookies and milk"

 

go figure..................

[puRpish]

This thread for sure needs Pinoy's elephant/rhino jokes.. :X

[D..X]

This thread for sure needs Pinoy's elephant/rhino jokes.. :X

affirmative

[Wifestein]

SCORE!

 

 

 

Thanks Joske, for this awesome picture lmao

[ajnl]

Not only guys, love the periodsauce

 

is this from experience?

[Wifestein]

is this from experience?

 

Maybe

[ajnl]

Maybe

 

I'll take that as a yes!

 

[rolf]

It took only 2 posts and the subject is fubar.

 

 

Anyway, three good old jokes.

 

---

 

A physicists, a biologist and an mathematician are sitting in a park, on a bench, and right in front of them is an empty house. And as they sit there, two people enter the house. And a little while later, three people are leaving the house.

 

The physicists says: We have made a measurement error.

The biologist says: They must have reproduced.

The mathematician says: If now one people enters the house, the house will be empty again.

 

---

 

 

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says "you must be in management."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

 

---

 

Once upon a time there was a sheepherder tending his sheep at the edge of a country road in rural Wyoming. A brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee screeched to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerrutti shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, Jovial Swiss wristwatch and a BHS tie, jumped out and asked the herder “If I guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?” The herder looked at the young man, then looked at the sprawling herd of grazing sheep and said “Okay.” The young man parked the SUV, connected his notebook and wireless modem, entered a NASA site, scanned the ground using satellite imagry and a GPS, opened a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then printed a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turned to the herder and said “You have exactly 1,586 sheep here.” The herder answered “Say, you are right. Pick out a sheep.”The young man took one of the animals and put it in the back of his vehicle. As he was preparing to drive away, the herder looked at him and asked “Now, if I guess your profession, will you pay me back in kind?” The young man answered “Sure.” The herder said immediately “You are a consultant.” “Exactly! How did you know?” asked the young man. “Very simple,” replied the herder. “First you came here without being invited. Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Thirdly, you do not understand anything about my business, and I’d really like to have my dog back.”