HannahG Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 The trust and love we built up over many long days and hardened months, A jokers hand, and blinded trumps, stitched together with love and care, undone with 3 short words and 3 more to share. For you lost the love, I lost the care. Unraveling the truth is a dangerous game, but we came to play, we came to win. A losers hand, an empty sin, is all we have of what we've been. It's over. Let me know what you think. It's a very personal poem to me, I know I rhymed care with care at one point, I wrote it in under 5 minutes, it sort of just poured out onto the paper that way. And that's how it came from the heart so I'm not changing it. But opinions? Quote
kristy Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Very nicely written You can tell it was from the heart Quote
soulJAHmon Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Well writ, indeed. Who knew you were a talented poet? Quote
Seaside Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 Yeah, Kristy is right, we can tell it comes from the heart Quote
Antichrist Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 That's pretty nice work. Usually the best way to do something is not to second guess yourself Quote
Piglet Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 I don't know that much about poems (formats and such), but wouldn't you technically be rhyming share with care? Anyway, I think its awesome, as Antichrist said, second-guessing can mess up your work Quote
ano'kimchi Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 (edited) Top tier poem right here, definitely one of the best I've read Edited July 11, 2011 by ano'kimchi Quote
Wizbang Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Don't change it. It won't mean as much to you then. Quote
Thoracic Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 I liked the 'stitched together' line, says a lot with few words, great poem. Quote
HannahG Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 (edited) Thank you all so much I'm glad my poetry is able to touch you all! And I've posted a few of my works before on here Edit : I also personally enjoy the "It's over" and "I lost the care" parts. Rage writing at it's finest. Edited July 11, 2011 by HannahG Quote
abnerdog Posted July 11, 2011 Posted July 11, 2011 Hannah take the rage out on us in battle. We are used to it. Some of the best songs in history are "spur of the moment" songs. So keep it up. Quote
LaTe Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I agree, dont change it. Life is ups and downs....(boring and over said, i know) but i wish the best for you, and hope your next poem is about how happy you are. Everyday above ground is a good 1!!! <3 Quote
GI-JOE Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 (edited) It's good break-up Poetry Also, decided to spend my 400th post here Edited July 13, 2011 by GI-JOE Quote
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