Hey guys...SGTassault here. Is there anyone here that has been married or in a relationship for more than 5 years? If so I could use some of your advice. How do you do it. they say the first year of a marriage or relationship is the toughest, im 15 or 16 months in and shit isn't going as planned. Could use some advice on what you guys did and how you went about changing the things your significant other asked you to change. At a complete loss here guys.
Posted 24 August 2014 - 03:32 PM
Don't change for someone and don't try to change them.
Don't go to bed angry.
Listen more than you talk.
Compromise on issues that in the end..... don't really matter much.
Stand firm when you have the right solution, but if they are bucking it too much, let them do it their way.
The list can go on and on.
It takes a lot to make it work, but these are my main rules I follow.
Posted 24 August 2014 - 03:43 PM
Not to sound like a **** ( it just happens naturally for me ) ... but you know, if you're already unhappy after only 16 months, most likely you married the wrong person and or you just weren't ready yet.
It happens, don't feel bad about it, just learn from it, and realize for the most part people DO NOT CHANGE, sure there are exceptions, but by and large people don't change and IF she loved you so much ... why is she asking YOU to change ? You were good enough for her to marry you, but you changed in 16 months ? NO you didn't, you're still you and in another 16 months you'll still be you as well ... so get out while you can.
Life is too short to be unhappy IMO, so bite the bullet early and get out before you do something stupid like have kids and then say 'well we gotta stay together for the kids' you'd only be doing more damage than good bringing children into an unhappy marriage, so do not make another mistake.
Why are Divorce attorney's so expensive ? ... BECAUSE THEY ARE WORTH IT !
Posted 24 August 2014 - 03:45 PM
"People change over time. Learn to fall in love over again."
Posted 24 August 2014 - 04:03 PM
LA and Doc are both right. well, for me anyway. everything Doc said, i did naturally. i was still me but everything about her changed....more than once at that 3 kids, 8 years, and 3 years of marriage later she left me out the blue and i keep the kids. and her? she changed yet again and reverted back to how she was before she met me....dating dudes that run the streets, have felonies, beats women, not there for their own kids, have no foreseeable future, etc.
sounds like you are at the stage in your relationship where everyone around me but me realized that it was only going to get worse. now, one of three things will happen. 1) everything works out and the spark is back. 2) you decide to leave. 3) she leaves you and leaves you crushed knowing that you tried your hardest.
Posted 24 August 2014 - 04:24 PM
Time. Marriage is like surfing. You have to paddle and paddle until you get that sweet ride. Then you do it again.
If you keep paddling all the time, you never get to enjoy the ride. Sometimes you just have to stop and let that wave
get under you and then it is all worth it. But if you fight the water you are in, you will never understand that it is the water
that is holding you up. Once you relax into the water and let it's strength carry you to the finish, you will understand surfing.
People who get married, sometimes don't understand that they have to give up their singularity and kind of meld together with
their mate to make the marriage become an entity all it's own. No marriage is any good for the first 5 years or so. You are still
two single people trying to live together. When you stop trying to live together, and live as one, with one mind and one goal, then
you have marriage. My wife and I just passed our 40th year together. We still argue, fight and yell sometimes, but I can't live
without her by my side. She is not my crutch but rather we walk arm in arm to hold each other up.
I swore an oath to her and I have never broken my word to anyone in my lifetime, and I never will. I will bury her or she will bury me.
But we have had a great ride on this merry-go-round and I can't picture any other life but the one I have had.
The one piece of advice I have given to other young couples is this...."be calm in your marriage...trust your partner...and put away your
prideful ways to say you are sorry."
Posted 24 August 2014 - 05:21 PM
thanks guys its been difficult and on nights like tonight its more challenging than anything. We have a son together...sorta. we got together when she was pregnant last year. I told her the wedding is on hold tonight and I hate to go to that length but its like that's the only way I can get her to listen. its sad to say but its like im the woman in the relationship. I cook and clean and take care of the kid. I take care of her when she is sick and I work for her father so im the money bank. Its just getting to the point where I don't know what to do about anything anymore. I have a short temper and say a lot of things I deffinately shouldn't when she doesn't listen and it does nothing but makes things worse. the only things she has asked me to "change" or work on is my attitude and the things I say. Im already in the stage where I don't want things to fall through because of the kid, but that's only because I was raised without my father and I don't want this boy to be like I was. and if things don't work out idk how id handle it without the kid. its a whole new situation for me. at 24 ive been engaged before (this is my second engagement) and this time I swore I was going to do anything to make it work, but it seems its only one sided. I don't want to end everything we have worked on without knowing that I did everything humanly possible to make things better. ive left relationships before and always wondered "what if" afterwards, and I don't want to wonder this time. If I have to I want to walk away with a clean conscience. just kind of at a loss. thanks guys for all the help. I really do appreciate it.
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Posted 24 August 2014 - 05:22 PM
yes Smoke, i like that. what you said is absolutely real. only thing is is that i dont think that every relationship can work like that, especially when the other partner isnt in the same water with you. try telling that to my ex though :/ everything for her was her way or no way. my surfboard was stuck in the torrents of the mouth of a river...i couldnt reach the smooth sailing of the waves.
Posted 25 August 2014 - 08:46 AM
I think the old saying goes..."80% of your happiness in life or 80% of your misery will come from who you choose to marry - so choose wisely". If your "spidey sense" is tingling now - listen to it. Don't be afraid to put your plans on hold for a little while to make sure that everything is as it should be. Time will either make your current problems seem trivial or will expose more problems.
The main thing to remember is that there's no rush! My wife and I started dating when we were 18 and we didn't get married until we were 28. 18 years later and we're still at it.
Most of this appears to be written by Capt. Obvious, but it's the best I've got for you.
Posted 25 August 2014 - 02:13 PM
So...I came to a conclusion today. ive had a lot of rough relationships in the past and this one I actually want to work. im to the point where im numb with the bullshit that goes on. She acts like a kid in that I do everything for her. I told her last night that I will start treating her like that kid. in keeping to my word I remember when I was a kid myself that the scariest moments with my parents wasn't when they was mad or screaming or anything like that. it was when they was just "disappointed". so I caught her up in 2 lies today and to address the issue I stopped talking. when she asked me what was wrong I told her nothing im just disappointed that she thinks she has to lie to cover up what she does. shockingly I come home today and the house is clean and she is making dinner. I decided that if shit doesn't change this time then im gone. Ive learned myself that people can and do change. her personality and who she is has changed since we have been together. she isn't the same person I met 5 years ago. but then again, what woman doesn't change. I took responsibility for what I have done and the things ive said (which I never do) and threw her off with it. lets see where this goes.
sorry for the rant thanks guys for the advice
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