Guest R..pace! Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 You Know You're Having a Bad Day When... Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned. Your twin sister forgets your birthday. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party. Your income tax refund check bounces. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture. You wake up and your braces are stuck together. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband. You put both contacts into the same eye. Your mother approves of the person you're dating. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard. Nothing you own is actually paid for. Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful. The health inspector condems your office coffee maker. You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future. People think that you're 40 and you're only 25. When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age. You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch. You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it. Quote
Cpt Fudg3 Cak3 Posted June 14, 2010 Posted June 14, 2010 You Know You're Having a Bad Day When... Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned. Your twin sister forgets your birthday. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold. You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party. Your income tax refund check bounces. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture. You wake up and your braces are stuck together. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband. You put both contacts into the same eye. Your mother approves of the person you're dating. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard. Nothing you own is actually paid for. Everyone loves your driver's licence picture, but you think it looks awful. The health inspector condems your office coffee maker. You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future. People think that you're 40 and you're only 25. When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age. You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch. You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it. Some of the funniest stuff ever. Quote
Post(?)Organic Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Ah, impressive Photoshop skills there. I see no photoshopping Quote
Butterz Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 I assumed he photoshopped the price. $7 for 2 blocks of butter is impossible. Quote
Timberwolf Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Question: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback? Answer: Turn off the carousel 12-year-old boy comes up to the Polish man and says, "I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw you and your wife doing it. Nyah, nyah, nyah!" The Pole answers, "The joke's on you kid, Nyah, nyah,nyah! I wasn't even home last night." I AM CANADIAN Hey. I’m not a lumberjack or a fur trader And I don’t live in an igloo Or eat blubber or own a dog sled And I don’t know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada, although I’m certain they’re really, really nice. I have a Prime Minister, not a President I speak English and French, not American And I pronounce it “about,†not “aboot.†I can proudly sew my country’s flag on my backpack. I believe in peacekeeping, not policing Diversity, not assimilation And that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal. A toque is a hat A chesterfield is a couch And it is pronounced zed, not zee, ZED! Canada is the second largest landmass The first nation of hockey And the best part of North America! My name is TimberWolf And I AM CANADIAN! One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!" Quote
Timberwolf Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 •Where was the toothbrush invented? Canada. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush A Mexican, A Canadian, And An American are walking together down a road, when they stumble upon a lamp with a genie in it.After they rub the lamp, a Genie pops out and says"Okay, you all get 1 wish each, who's going first?" The Mexican says"Oh, ME, ME!" "I want A 2-mile wide road across Mexico" Genie, "Granted!" POOF! American, "Now me! I want a 20 foot brick wall around all of the USA to keep the Canadians out" Genie, "Granted!" POOF Genie, "Okay Canadian, It's Your turn!" Canadian, "Is that wall you put around the USA waterproof?" Genie, "Yup!" Canadian, "Fill 'er Up!" The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's Penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead. Quote
Husa Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 Dad: Son, if you don't stop masturbating you will go blind. Son: Dad, I'm over here. Quote
Guest R..pace! Posted June 15, 2010 Posted June 15, 2010 What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad? One says ribbit and the other says rubbit. What did the alien say to the jigsaw puzzle? ''I come in peace and you come in peices!" Quote
ISCHWARS Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 First: A big teaching hospital recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our nurses has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the nurse?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating doctors and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!" Second: A school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Marie said, "My family went to my granddaddy's farm, and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to See Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word "fascinate". Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language.. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johnny said,"My cousin's wife has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight." The teacher sat down and cried..... YEA I KNOW NOT THE BEST BUT HERE COMES MY LAST!! Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said,"Life is so darn boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!" "You're on!" said the old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend. "I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement." Quote
Guest R..pace! Posted June 16, 2010 Posted June 16, 2010 (edited) XXXXXXXXXXXThe following joke contains mild sexual reference, reader discretion is advisedXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters. Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!" Edited June 16, 2010 by R..pace! Quote
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