I dunno how many people read Cracked.com certianly I only got into it after I saw an ex-mate read the 'Craptions' school. I suppose i wasen't fully intrested till i read this article (NSFW) . A recent article on '5 Popular Zombie Tactics' (Click Here) got my attention recently and got me thinking back to an old blog i had made on what to do when your town has been 'zombified' .

Chuck a rock at a zombie (never more than one) from a hiding distance – and watch its reaction. If it stumbles towards you, then obviously it's a normal zombie. Normal zombies can hear, see and feel. They react to temperature – the heat of the living attracts them (as does blood). Usually, they're big and dumb, with only the simplest of motor actions (no running for example).

However, if they turn round, snarl, leap towards you and massacre your face – run. These are NOT normal zombies. Have you ever played Doom or Silent Hill? It's a debate as to whether these are classed as zombies or not. I would say yes, as the definition of a zombie is a dead human moving – it never says in which form. As you know, these zombies will chase you, gather some sort of military formation and have enough intelligence to trap you in some inescapable wood/ building where they can hunt you down. If you're really unlucky, you will get the Doom type – they shoot with rifles, hurl fireballs and can fire enough missiles to take down a dozen Chinooks. (Remember – they're only zombies if they look like they come from humans. So robots and mutant elephants don't count. It should be possible to transfer some of the basic tactics to these 'others', but they are a different ball game altogether. Read future guides for more info!)

The best tactic with a normal zombie is to be 'smart on the offensive'. Don't do a classic and shut yourself in a mall/building and pray this is a bad day at the office. Equally important don't run around screaming in the woods like you just had the best sex (which you probably have). Zombies, as everyone knows, only die when their brain is either dislodged from the rest of the body or destroyed. When you are facing a zombie – hunt for a weapon of some sort. Use it – and yourself to kill the zombie. If you ain't got any weapons, use your shoe or some of your clothes. Shove it/them in the zombies' mouth so it doesn't bite you and then bash its brain against the floor or wall to kill it. DO NOT INTAKE THE BLOOD. It has been known that people have become zombified because of a virus that turns them into one. It's no good if you get it. Make sure you know whether to fight or fly – don't kid yourself you can fight 10 without a weapon of some type (preferably handgun). WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT STOP KILLING ZOMBIES. This is VERY important. When people get bitten, they stay where they are till they sense some living being. If you run and hide, these zombies will gather and soon you will be in the deep. Kill before they have a chance to do so. Divided they fall.

If you get a mutated zombie, it should be obvious – they're bigger and uglier. Don't bother chucking rocks. Don't even think of fighting without a weapon. Again – go for headshots. It's the easiest. Instead, just hide and observe till you get a better idea of the task ahead – you don't want to surprise a ten-headed hydra with Medusa hair now, do you? Even then, calculate you're next move – it could be your last. If you find out about your creature the hard way – run. And then hide. Observe your hunter. And make some tactics.

As you massacre the zombies, don't do it randomly. Head to your nearest shop and grab some supplies and hopefully a better weapon. You never know what you may find. Try and hesitate before firing any weapon in case you hit another human. If you can, try and find some other humans. Go down alleys, the local park or bar or anywhere where the can hide or form some sort of safe hold. Listen for signs of help. Switch on a radio and see if there are any emergency bulletins. Go to the nearest place with an internet connection and go online to all the chartrooms you know. See if you have a global epidemic. If not, go to the nearest country. If you do, see how bad it is. If the whole world has turned, go down to the mall and have a pint. And then get back up. YOU MIGHT STILL SURVIVE! It could just be that there has been no time to set up info, and yet there are still survivors. If you've played Doom or Silent Hill, then you know you can survive just by preserving time and time again. When you find other humans, check for injuries. Deep wounds? Dump them. They're going to turn and become liabilities. Scratches – they may live. Unless it's a virus of course. Give them all weapons and be a democratic leader. You do not want a mutiny on your hands. Be sure to have a plan and follow it through. There are two eventual solutions. One, get some weapons and kill all zombies in your town/city. Once they're dead, they're dead. This way you have somewhere to retreat to. However, this lengthy process and some other zombies from other places may invade your place. On the other hand, your targeting will get better as will your fitness and reaction timing. You may also find some other survivors and better yet get better weapons. The best solutions is, two, get to the nearest safe point ASAP. If you find out the world is not screwed, just your country, go the docks and go to a country which has the firepower/politics/ English –speaking population to help you. Or use a plane if you can. Or a train to France if needs be. To get to the safe point, get a fast coach (for supplies and the other survivors etc) and get there. Attach a scoop bucket to the front so particularly fat zombies don't act as speed bumps. Vaseline the sides so they don't get a grip, reinforce windows, and protect the tyres. Add 'murder holes' so you can pot zombies along the way. If someone can drive a tank – brill. Go to the nearest army depot anyway, if only for the weapons.

With mutant zombies, chances of other survivors are slim to zero. Stay in the shadows if you can. You don't want to be blasted to shreds in the middle of the streets. However, stay out of pitch-dark place – you never know what's there. Remember – they have intelligence. Don't make sudden moves in case you make a noise. DON'T PANIC. Fear is your worse enemy. Get headphones for your radio or curtains for the light coming out off the pc/ TV. Skulk around till you at least get a pistol – baseball bats aren't any good against 7ft freaks. Heelys are good too – wheels for those extra runaway sessions. This is all about cat and mouse tactics. Got a zombie near you? Chuck a can and make a distraction. Flight rather than fight. Preserve ammo and supplies. They have all the cards. It's you and a bunch of demographic people against something that could be bullet-proof for all you know (Play House of Dead). Explosives are your next best friend. Molotov's and dry-ice are nice. DON'T GET A CAR. If you run out of petrol on the M1, and entire legions are flying right on your tail, you're dead. Be careful of the seas too – nasty things have be known to hide there (Godzilla for example).

When this is all over, retire and live a happy life. Live well and prosper as someone once said. Good Luck

Looking at again its obvious i had too much time on my hand back then (Ie no Wolfstein). The definition of a zombie is a 're-animated corpse' so its safe to say that anything that can 'massacre your face' may be a zombie but more likely to be 'hell-spawn' and so quite why i indicated humans are capble of conjuring fireballs i have no idea. Then again, biological speaking, Harry Potter is a human, presumbly.

Looking at the comments on the Cracked article there are several valid points.Zombies would indeed decompose after a while so it is quite possible to hole yourself inside a large-enough Wal-Mart or otherwise. However, with no one running water-treatment, the gas and electricity boards etc its safe to say it wont be neccesarily luxury living.

Nowadays there are quite a few books on 'zombie survival' out there and quite presumbly they all contain more-or-less the same info; don't procrastinate with them, don't use them for lunch , etc.

Quite possibly if there ever was a mass zombie apocaplyse is a moot poin. Hopefully solar power will have progressed enough that you need not worry bout petrol as you drive round the countryside in vain hope of finding a pretty women/man whos still alive and not infected. Certainly its hoped that there would be enough cynical mooks to realise what is going on and begin 'rebuiilding' society.

The exact physics of zombies is not known. Certianly, they crave flesh,blood and brains but ah how they detect is not known. One would presume they operate by sight and sound - and even then - a light jog would hopefully displace them - but seemingly they operate by other means. Hiding from any of the 'Infected' shoukd be sufficent but it seems even a glimpse from one will soon bring a hoarde of others who couldent possibly have seen you before. Do they operate then, on a telepathic level? Certainly there is some level of intellegence left to be able to discern the difference between a human and ,say, a horse - though possibly there is a biological draw; perhaps we give off some pheromes that attract. Certainly though, disguising yourself as a Pikachu coulden't hurt.

Ideally at some point you would have found some other surviors. Better yet would be if one turned out to be a doctor/nurse, another an ex-marine or other , another an ex-con who can get you into places and another some hottie who you decide to re-populate the world with. Of course, this precise placing of skill is unlikley and you may equal be stuck with people who get out of breath after five minutes of walking and who will eat all your suppiles if you dont bury them in your pants and pray.

Communication is always good. So long as the virus isint airbourne and affects all rhesus types bar one (ie one must bite to infect others) you can always communicate to other countires for help, so long as the approite lines of communication is open of course.

But as i say whether the supposed zombie apocalypse will occur is a moot point and certianly seeing,reading and typing is different to the actual doing of it .The best thing you can do then is hope it dosent happen in your lifetime ^^