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'Sup everyone, it's kinda too long to make this a status update and I think it should be good to actually make it a topic since it may help someone who could live what I lived. This is a pretty serious topic for a pretty serious situation. If you still don't know me already, I'm Matthew, I'm born with temporal lobe epilepsy and it gives me severe cases of depressions since I was a little kid. I never been someone who spoke to other people, I always pictured myself as a lone wolf, dark thoughts and always reserved. Only caring for my own self because I thought I'd be stronger that way. Oh boy was I wrong. Over the years, due to never speak to anyone about my issues, I built a shield around me. That shield would let things pass through it, but not let them go out. So I accumulated years and years of depression, stress, anxiety. Not only I had my own stress, but due to family issues, I had also other people stress affect me. I always had the thought for many years "My father never wrote a will, if he ever dies, what will happen to my mother ?", "What will I do when this situation comes to reality ?", "Will people actually care if I disappear ?" and things just went darker and darker, I also had the thoughts of "I just don't feel like living anymore. Not that I'd kill myself, but I wouldn't mind if my time as to come". I never really shared it with anyone. Nobody knew about my situation. I told my mother "Mom, I know I never saw a doctor, but I have this illness, it would explain what is up with my brain ! I'm super depressed ! I need to change my mind !". She wouldn't trust me back in those days. She thought I only wanted attention or something (Despite the fact I'm not the kind of person who seeks for people attention). I've been keeping everything inside me for nearly 23 years. The more I was reserved, the more darker I went, the more impatient I became, I was almost inhuman convincing myself to be more human than people in general. This build up insanity in me and the more I waited, the more insane I became. But I never evacuated that either. I was just insane in my mind though I acted normal in real life and virtual life. News broke up few weeks ago that yeah, I'm pretty much broke at the moment. I have hard times getting a job. My life seems meaningless at the moment since I don't really know what to do to help myself. Two days/nights ago, my insanity level reached its peak. Everything around me seemed so, so dark. It looked like I was in the darkest forest during midnight. I knew I was getting crazy, my body acted but my brain was pretty much shutted down. I could only recall imaginating knives, me being berzerk would be a solution... Before anything actually happens, it seemed like there was a single ray of light in the darkest tunnel I was in. One little tiny breeze of common sense since I recalled something. Something someone told me. Someone who knew what I was living because I actually shared a part of my life to her. This person was Vixen. Remembering her words and how kind she's always been to me, I sat down, regaining a big chunk of my sanity and telling myself "What is wrong with me ?". Seeing that I was becoming a danger to myself and others around me just after this mental breakdown, I made a huge decision. I texted Vixen and I told her "Sorry if I bother you, just saying that I was on the verge of self-destruction. I'll sort things out this morning and make everything clear to others. I must act for my own self." That morning, I kept my words being truth. I went to see my mother, I told her everything I had on my chest for so many years. That also their stress stresses me. I needed their help. I was becoming a danger to them and myself. I was aware of it, I couldn't keep it anymore. Even though it didn't helped solve quite a lot of things (so far since it's just starting), sharing my problems helped a lot. I feel better than ever in the past 23 years now. I still have my problems, but it just doesn't seem like a big deal anymore. I feel alive again. My mother which never believed I was depressed at first saw over the years that I was probably depressed. Due to problems we were having, me being so quiet, me being on my chamber and never leaving my house to visit family or friends. She started to understand slowly but surely. And that morning, with my cry for help, she finally understood me and said she will help me. So guys, depression is not something to laugh at. If you are depressed, before tempting to clear you mind on doing other stuff... SHARE IT ! Share what you are feeling. Don't think back to your problems at night, it will make you feel even worse. Don't build a shield around yourself. Don't engulf yourself in the darkness. If you ever do, you will see what insanity looks like, it is something I never want to experiment again. It is truly a living nightmare. Help yourself, talk to someone and say it all. Even though I could thank my mother for understanding me, I have to thank Vixen first. She probably saved my life on that one, just talking to her pulled me enough out of this insanity to make me realize I have so much to live for and no real reason to panic, don't let others stress take you down either. Secondly, I'd also love to thank Audrey and Hecken, they PM'd me and we mutually shared out situations, they also helped me in my decision. Just showing me that they cared made me smile. Once again, thanks to all of you for giving me a hand and listening to me. I'll open myself more from now on. "The drowning man only cares about the depth of the ocean... Not its width."
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