Search the Community
Showing results for tags 'depression'.
Found 2 results
-
'Sup everyone, it's kinda too long to make this a status update and I think it should be good to actually make it a topic since it may help someone who could live what I lived. This is a pretty serious topic for a pretty serious situation. If you still don't know me already, I'm Matthew, I'm born with temporal lobe epilepsy and it gives me severe cases of depressions since I was a little kid. I never been someone who spoke to other people, I always pictured myself as a lone wolf, dark thoughts and always reserved. Only caring for my own self because I thought I'd be stronger that way. Oh boy was I wrong. Over the years, due to never speak to anyone about my issues, I built a shield around me. That shield would let things pass through it, but not let them go out. So I accumulated years and years of depression, stress, anxiety. Not only I had my own stress, but due to family issues, I had also other people stress affect me. I always had the thought for many years "My father never wrote a will, if he ever dies, what will happen to my mother ?", "What will I do when this situation comes to reality ?", "Will people actually care if I disappear ?" and things just went darker and darker, I also had the thoughts of "I just don't feel like living anymore. Not that I'd kill myself, but I wouldn't mind if my time as to come". I never really shared it with anyone. Nobody knew about my situation. I told my mother "Mom, I know I never saw a doctor, but I have this illness, it would explain what is up with my brain ! I'm super depressed ! I need to change my mind !". She wouldn't trust me back in those days. She thought I only wanted attention or something (Despite the fact I'm not the kind of person who seeks for people attention). I've been keeping everything inside me for nearly 23 years. The more I was reserved, the more darker I went, the more impatient I became, I was almost inhuman convincing myself to be more human than people in general. This build up insanity in me and the more I waited, the more insane I became. But I never evacuated that either. I was just insane in my mind though I acted normal in real life and virtual life. News broke up few weeks ago that yeah, I'm pretty much broke at the moment. I have hard times getting a job. My life seems meaningless at the moment since I don't really know what to do to help myself. Two days/nights ago, my insanity level reached its peak. Everything around me seemed so, so dark. It looked like I was in the darkest forest during midnight. I knew I was getting crazy, my body acted but my brain was pretty much shutted down. I could only recall imaginating knives, me being berzerk would be a solution... Before anything actually happens, it seemed like there was a single ray of light in the darkest tunnel I was in. One little tiny breeze of common sense since I recalled something. Something someone told me. Someone who knew what I was living because I actually shared a part of my life to her. This person was Vixen. Remembering her words and how kind she's always been to me, I sat down, regaining a big chunk of my sanity and telling myself "What is wrong with me ?". Seeing that I was becoming a danger to myself and others around me just after this mental breakdown, I made a huge decision. I texted Vixen and I told her "Sorry if I bother you, just saying that I was on the verge of self-destruction. I'll sort things out this morning and make everything clear to others. I must act for my own self." That morning, I kept my words being truth. I went to see my mother, I told her everything I had on my chest for so many years. That also their stress stresses me. I needed their help. I was becoming a danger to them and myself. I was aware of it, I couldn't keep it anymore. Even though it didn't helped solve quite a lot of things (so far since it's just starting), sharing my problems helped a lot. I feel better than ever in the past 23 years now. I still have my problems, but it just doesn't seem like a big deal anymore. I feel alive again. My mother which never believed I was depressed at first saw over the years that I was probably depressed. Due to problems we were having, me being so quiet, me being on my chamber and never leaving my house to visit family or friends. She started to understand slowly but surely. And that morning, with my cry for help, she finally understood me and said she will help me. So guys, depression is not something to laugh at. If you are depressed, before tempting to clear you mind on doing other stuff... SHARE IT ! Share what you are feeling. Don't think back to your problems at night, it will make you feel even worse. Don't build a shield around yourself. Don't engulf yourself in the darkness. If you ever do, you will see what insanity looks like, it is something I never want to experiment again. It is truly a living nightmare. Help yourself, talk to someone and say it all. Even though I could thank my mother for understanding me, I have to thank Vixen first. She probably saved my life on that one, just talking to her pulled me enough out of this insanity to make me realize I have so much to live for and no real reason to panic, don't let others stress take you down either. Secondly, I'd also love to thank Audrey and Hecken, they PM'd me and we mutually shared out situations, they also helped me in my decision. Just showing me that they cared made me smile. Once again, thanks to all of you for giving me a hand and listening to me. I'll open myself more from now on. "The drowning man only cares about the depth of the ocean... Not its width."
- 19 replies
-
- 17
-
-
- depression
- anxiety
- (and 6 more)
-
'Sup peeps ! Some of you probably haven't seen me in a while as a matter of fact, I post rarely on forums (You don't say ?) and I've been quite less active on Wolf ET. This topic will be somewhat the sequel of the one I've made in the past: http://fearless-assassins.com/topic/76268-update-piece-of-mind-a-talk-about-depression/?hl=depression So for those who don't know me at all (Shame on you, ya little fellas !), you'll get an idea of what I'm often facing with and who I am at the same time. Ever since I've made the previous topic, I've made a few changes in my life. I got support of peeps on forums and in real life too. As a matter of fact, my life as known quite "The Swerve" (OMERGERD ! IT'S VINCE RUSSO !... Enough with the references nobody will get). So let's see how much things changed right after I wrote the previous thread. Four days after I post it, the day before my birthday, I found love. A girl who seems so happy in the outside and super excited, somewhat childish at moments but a soul as depressed as I was in the inside. She was a friend of mine for like five years and we always were attracted to each others. Why did it took us that long before we really decided to date ? We're fools and we weren't sure if it would've worked. So we tried to give ourselves a chance... And we're happy. I don't think either of us have ever been that happy in the past. [Not Important Piece Of Information]=> My girlfriend and I started as an open relationship, and she drove me nuts at some point. We were like "Let's be open minded and not call ourself officially as "couple" and let's just see if we'll find happiness that way. If you find someone and you're happier with said someone, so be it". After we cut this deal, there was my love life being complicated more than it should've because my girlfriend was one of my two biggest crushes probably in life. And then the other crush started flirting with me... And then three other girls said "I actually loved you, but I guess it's too late" and I was super confused about "What the hell is goin' on ?". My girlfriend often joked about harems and everything and she said she was open for a trio... But I declined any signs of temptation because I truely realized that I really love her. Like a super whole lot and I'm glad to be with her, I'm super happy. I've never been that happy in the past with someone. Then I changed my routine. I used to go on other forums in wish I started to get a pretty bad rep' because people were jealous of me, so they tried to portray me as "The bad guy". I just straight up left that toxic virtual environement because I don't give a damn about them and I stopped giving a damn about their forums anyway for years. I've started to eat better, getting slowly but surely back in shape, starting to get back some yoga poses, playing with the dog and the cat more often and all funny stuff. Getting friends to do stuff. I've had trouble with the government accusing my family of fraud and giving us a fine of 32K $, but I'm somewhat over it. It will just take time to refund and on a more positive note: I'm now officially working at the video game store I used to help and where I've done some stages. My knowledge in gaming is an important asset to them. So I'm having love, I'm working, I'm getting healthier and I'm more sane... But I never neglected the fun and side-projects too. I work on pretty much most of my free time on my Youtube channel in which I'm getting more and more proud as the further I progress. I may not and never get big, but I'm doing something with passion. And here's where a lot of the fun part kicks in: I've been doing some stuff with the first two Youtubers I follow since 2008 (That's already insane to me) and on the streams of one of them, one of his roomate, which is a nice fellow, added me in his contacts. Him, me and some other dudes have a nice weekly gaming session every Friday and we have quite a lot of fun. If you count that, the fact I've opened myself even more to people since I nearly snapped, I evacuate the blues out of my body by playing violin. Ever since all these changes have been made, I never really felt the depression taking the best of me again. We should remember that even in a cloudy day, the sun may take time, but it will surely show up. Now I should head back to the game pretty soon, should I, mmm ?
- 5 replies
-
- 2
-
-
- positivity
- depression
- (and 4 more)
