words of wisdom that may bring a smile

[bo0m]

I'm old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway.

[bo0m]

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

[Phobia]

In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes

[bo0m]

In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said: "Let there be light!" And there was still nothing, but you could see it.

[bo0m]

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple

[bo0m]

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

[bo0m]

For the weekend. Enjoy it

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.

-- Douglas Adams

 

 

An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

-- Agatha Christie

 

 

Always remember that true beauty comes from within — from within bottles, jars, compacts, and tubes.

-- Peter's Almanac

 

 

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.

-- Frieda Norris

 

 

Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.

-- Hubert Humphrey

 

 

 

Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.

-- Ralph Bus

 

 

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

-- M. Berle

 

 

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

-- Robert Orben

 

 

Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are.

-- Quentin Crisp

 

 

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

 

 

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

-- Lily Tomlin

 

 

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

-- A. Whitney Brown

 

 

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

-- Douglas Adam

 

 

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

-- Groucho Marx

 

 

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

-- Les Dawson

 

 

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

-- Dennis Miller

 

 

If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you.

-- Author Unknown

 

 

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

-- Author Unknown

 

 

If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.

-- Joey Adams

 

If you are not living life on the edge then you are taking up too much space.

-- Author Unknown

 

If you can't go over it or through it, you'd better negotiate with it.

-- Ashleigh Brilliant

 

If you have something to say and say nothing, you are really telling a lie.

-- Ashleigh Brilliant

 

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

-- Woody Allen

 

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want—an adorable pancreas?

-- Jean Kerr

 

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

-- Dave Barry

 

It is not necessary to understand, or believe, things in order to argue about them.

-- Pierce Caronde Beaumarchin

 

Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

-- Homer Simpson

 

Look how often the unexpected happens -- yet we still never expect it.

-- Ashleigh Brilliant

 

 

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.

-- Ambrose Bierce

 

 

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

-- Jimmy Durante

 

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.

-- Author Unknown

 

Nobody goes where the crowds are anymore. It's too crowded.

-- Yogi Berra

 

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

-- Bertrand Russell

 

One possible reason that I don't believe in fate is that I wasn't fated to.

-- Ashleigh Brilliant

 

No, I don't have a solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

-- Ashleigh Brilliant

 

Shopping is better than sex. At least if you’re not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.

-- Adrienne Gusoff

 

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency.

-- Anonymous

 

Strike while your employer has a big contract.

-- Author Unknown

 

Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that’s really where you wish they were.

-- George E. Bergman

 

The conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

-- Arthur Bloc

 

The making of a journalist: no ideas and the ability to express them.

-- Karl Kraus

 

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.

-- Quentin Crisp

 

The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we hold of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.

-- Quentin Crisp

 

This woman did not fly to extremes; she lived there.

-- Quentin Crisp

 

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.

-- Albert Einstein

 

When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.

-- Henry Fielding

 

Why do people say "no offense" when they're about to offend someone?

-- Author Unknown

 

Why is it when we talk to God we're praying, but when God talks to us, we're schizophrenic?

-- Lily Tomlin

 

You have to be careful if you don't know where you're going because you might not get there.

-- Yogi Berra

 

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

-- George Burns

[bo0m]

 

 

[RedAngel]

Let your smile change the world, don't let the world change your smile.

[Martinix!]

Better cry in your dreams and laugh in your life, than crying in your life and laugh in your dreams. Waking up is easier.

[Phobia]

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off

[bo0m]

Remember to keep your feet on the ground or you will fall over

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

[RedAngel]

Never get into an argument with someone who types faster than you.

[bo0m]

Even if a man chops off your hand with a sword, you still have two nice, sharp bones to stick in his eyes

[bo0m]

Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they AREN’T after you.

I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.