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PHANTASM

How to Survive Marriage

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Yeah, that's good. Most women like guys who make money though. But if you make a LOT of money, it's a good idea to avoid disclosing it or they will simply increase their spending proportionately.

 

Another trick is to only pay the bills on one day a week. I pay them early on Saturday so I can put them in the mailbox by noon. This way you have a system and you don't miss any of the "important" bills. You can also avoid paying most bills that are due in a day or two after you get them, i.e. credit cards. Most credit cards only give you a couple days to get the payment in the mail so it will get there on time, or your payment will be counted as late so they can raise your interest rate up to 29%. Having a fixed day to pay bills gives you another weapon in your avoidance strategy for paying off your wife's credit cards.

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Clutter management 101:

 

Women are compulsive gatherers. It's in their DNA from Neolithic times. You cannot stop this behavior any more than you can keep men from killing each other in wars. But, like the male hunting instinct, it can be redirected:

 

1) Never buy shelves. Shelves provide horizontal storage spage that allows more stuff to be accumulated. Eventually, you will have ten shelves in every room overflowing with priceless junk you haven't used in years, and still not enough room. Shelves are a short-term solution to a problem that cannot be prevented, only managed. Shelves make things worse by organizing existing clutter to make room for new stuff. Shelves cost you more money by encouraging further purchases. Shelves send a strong signal that you approve of the gathering process.

 

This is why you shouldn't buy shelves:

 

htuwzo.jpg

 

1zejw2.jpg

 

2cgk42e.jpg

 

 

2) Encourage people to buy smaller stuff. Women love jewelry, and it takes up little space. Encourage friends and family to give smaller toys for your kids on birthdays and Christmas because you "just don't have room anymore".

 

3) Never give anything anyway to make room. Counter-intuitive, but it works. Let things pile up on the floor. Not because you like it, but because it looks bad and discourages further gathering. The volume of household space freed up by giving items away will be replaced by new stuff of greater cost. There is an equation for this process somewhere lol. Don't take stuff to Goodwill or the charity or the yard sale. Just let it sit there. When things get so bad that even your wife recognizes that there is a clutter problem, let her sell stuff on craigslist for pocket cash for her. This will motivate her.

 

4) When things get bad beyond comprehension, use a push-broom to clear paths on the floor so you can walk through the house. Here is what my daughter's room looks like. Note the size of the toy mound relative to the the child. Note the push-broom. You should go to the hardware store and find the largest, industrial-size broom available. Use it specifically for piling toys and clothes into corners. Don't use it for sweeping food or dirt. Keep it in the kids' room.

 

10ygi0h.jpg

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holy f***in shit in that last pic i thought your kid was like... half a kid. Then I realised she was behind it, all makes sense now.

 

PHAN you're officially a legend and when you die I shall get you your own pad on Cloud 9 - Straight up.

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I am surprised TASHA isnt mad yet....... about you putting all this on the forums :P

 

 

I'm not his wife!!!! I'm phantom's wife.. people please don't confuse anymore...........:mad

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holy f***in shit in that last pic i thought your kid was like... half a kid. Then I realised she was behind it, all makes sense now.

 

PHAN you're officially a legend and when you die I shall get you your own pad on Cloud 9 - Straight up.

LOL that was scary untill i didn't notice same!

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lol don't get me wrong, I love my wife and kids very much!

 

They are the light of my life and keep me out of trouble. My kids are usually sitting next to me or in my lap whenever I am on the computer. (Haley is sitting in my lap as I am writing this).

 

This is just a fun way for me to vent.

 

I'm sure she could put up a thread about how to survive living with me.

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I'm not his wife!!!! I'm phantom's wife.. people please don't confuse anymore...........:mad

 

ohhhh my heart felt apologies!

There are too many "phan" names around :mellow:

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Clutter management 101:

 

Women are compulsive gatherers. It's in their DNA from Neolithic times. You cannot stop this behavior any more than you can keep men from killing each other in wars. But, like the male hunting instinct, it can be redirected:

 

1) Never buy shelves. Shelves provide horizontal storage spage that allows more stuff to be accumulated. Eventually, you will have ten shelves in every room overflowing with priceless junk you haven't used in years, and still not enough room. Shelves are a short-term solution to a problem that cannot be prevented, only managed. Shelves make things worse by organizing existing clutter to make room for new stuff. Shelves cost you more money by encouraging further purchases. Shelves send a strong signal that you approve of the gathering process.

 

This is why you shouldn't buy shelves:

 

htuwzo.jpg

 

1zejw2.jpg

 

2cgk42e.jpg

 

 

2) Encourage people to buy smaller stuff. Women love jewelry, and it takes up little space. Encourage friends and family to give smaller toys for your kids on birthdays and Christmas because you "just don't have room anymore".

 

3) Never give anything anyway to make room. Counter-intuitive, but it works. Let things pile up on the floor. Not because you like it, but because it looks bad and discourages further gathering. The volume of household space freed up by giving items away will be replaced by new stuff of greater cost. There is an equation for this process somewhere lol. Don't take stuff to Goodwill or the charity or the yard sale. Just let it sit there. When things get so bad that even your wife recognizes that there is a clutter problem, let her sell stuff on craigslist for pocket cash for her. This will motivate her.

 

4) When things get bad beyond comprehension, use a push-broom to clear paths on the floor so you can walk through the house. Here is what my daughter's room looks like. Note the size of the toy mound relative to the the child. Note the push-broom. You should go to the hardware store and find the largest, industrial-size broom available. Use it specifically for piling toys and clothes into corners. Don't use it for sweeping food or dirt. Keep it in the kids' room.

 

10ygi0h.jpg

 

You are amazing lol i want moe of your tutorials lol :rockon

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Now that I am employed, and making slightly more money, the wife has begun redecorating the house. This starts out small, with new pictures on the kitchen walls. She's going for a Tuscan look, with fake grape vines around the ceiling, wine racks, French paintings (cheap replicas of course), etc. It actually looks pretty nice. She got it all on craigslist and some from the consignment/charity store, where other people drop off their unwanted stuff. My wife loves these stores, as they provide a lot more stuff for the price and some of it is nice and new.

 

The new kitchen (with homemade jambalaya on the stove):

 

28hizra.jpg

 

The next target is probably the living room, which will require far more funds to replace the furniture. I'll probably cave in and get involved, after putting up some resistance. She wants to get new couches and futon mattress, and nicer shelves, and rearrange the pictures. No big deal.

 

What I don't know is what the target will be after that. It could be big, and I will probably have to avoid and evade it. She wants a new refrigerator, or a deep freezer. Since we don't have enough room in the freezer for all the stuff she buys, we need to buy more storage so further items can be accumulated. This is the thought process at work here. Most of this food never gets eaten anyway and sits there in perpetual frozen darkness.

 

My brother offered us his old one, which weighs 300 pounds and is fifty miles away. I am hoping that by not resisting on the kitchen or living room stuff, I can retain some veto power on anything involving personally transporting massive heavy items across large distances. We'll see. You have to think these things through.

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I love the title of this topic. How to "Survive" Marriage. It's like marriage is an army obstacle course. lol.

Edited by DuskMatch

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I love the title of this topic. How to "Survive" Marriage. It's like marriage is an army obstacle course. lol.

if you fail either your as good as dead

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