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[Update] Piece Of Mind (A talk about depression)

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#1
MorriganAensland

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'Sup everyone, it's kinda too long to make this a status update and I think it should be good to actually make it a topic since it may help someone who could live what I lived. This is a pretty serious topic for a pretty serious situation. 
 
If you still don't know me already, I'm Matthew, I'm born with temporal lobe epilepsy and it gives me severe cases of depressions since I was a little kid. I never been someone who spoke to other people, I always pictured myself as a lone wolf, dark thoughts and always reserved. Only caring for my own self because I thought I'd be stronger that way. Oh boy was I wrong. Over the years, due to never speak to anyone about my issues, I built a shield around me. That shield would let things pass through it, but not let them go out. So I accumulated years and years of depression, stress, anxiety. Not only I had my own stress, but due to family issues, I had also other people stress affect me.
 
I always had the thought for many years "My father never wrote a will, if he ever dies, what will happen to my mother ?", "What will I do when this situation comes to reality ?", "Will people actually care if I disappear ?" and things just went darker and darker, I also had the thoughts of "I just don't feel like living anymore. Not that I'd kill myself, but I wouldn't mind if my time as to come". I never really shared it with anyone. Nobody knew about my situation.
 
I told my mother "Mom, I know I never saw a doctor, but I have this illness, it would explain what is up with my brain ! I'm super depressed ! I need to change my mind !". She wouldn't trust me back in those days. She thought I only wanted attention or something (Despite the fact I'm not the kind of person who seeks for people attention).
 
I've been keeping everything inside me for nearly 23 years. The more I was reserved, the more darker I went, the more impatient I became, I was almost inhuman convincing myself to be more human than people in general. This build up insanity in me and the more I waited, the more insane I became. But I never evacuated that either. I was just insane in my mind though I acted normal in real life and virtual life.
 
News broke up few weeks ago that yeah, I'm pretty much broke at the moment. I have hard times getting a job. My life seems meaningless at the moment since I don't really know what to do to help myself.
 
Two days/nights ago, my insanity level reached its peak. Everything around me seemed so, so dark. It looked like I was in the darkest forest during midnight. I knew I was getting crazy, my body acted but my brain was pretty much shutted down. I could only recall imaginating knives, me being berzerk would be a solution... Before anything actually happens, it seemed like there was a single ray of light in the darkest tunnel I was in. One little tiny breeze of common sense since I recalled something. Something someone told me. Someone who knew what I was living because I actually shared a part of my life to her. This person was Vixen. Remembering her words and how kind she's always been to me, I sat down, regaining a big chunk of my sanity and telling myself "What is wrong with me ?".
 
Seeing that I was becoming a danger to myself and others around me just after this mental breakdown, I made a huge decision. I texted Vixen and I told her "Sorry if I bother you, just saying that I was on the verge of self-destruction. I'll sort things out this morning and make everything clear to others. I must act for my own self."
 
That morning, I kept my words being truth. I went to see my mother, I told her everything I had on my chest for so many years. That also their stress stresses me. I needed their help. I was becoming a danger to them and myself. I was aware of it, I couldn't keep it anymore. Even though it didn't helped solve quite a lot of things (so far since it's just starting), sharing my problems helped a lot. I feel better than ever in the past 23 years now. I still have my problems, but it just doesn't seem like a big deal anymore. I feel alive again.
 
My mother which never believed I was depressed at first saw over the years that I was probably depressed. Due to problems we were having, me being so quiet, me being on my chamber and never leaving my house to visit family or friends. She started to understand slowly but surely. And that morning, with my cry for help, she finally understood me and said she will help me.
 
So guys, depression is not something to laugh at. If you are depressed, before tempting to clear you mind on doing other stuff... SHARE IT ! Share what you are feeling. Don't think back to your problems at night, it will make you feel even worse. Don't build a shield around yourself. Don't engulf yourself in the darkness. If you ever do, you will see what insanity looks like, it is something I never want to experiment again. It is truly a living nightmare. Help yourself, talk to someone and say it all.
 
Even though I could thank my mother for understanding me, I have to thank Vixen first. She probably saved my life on that one, just talking to her pulled me enough out of this insanity to make me realize I have so much to live for and no real reason to panic, don't let others stress take you down either. Secondly, I'd also love to thank Audrey and Hecken, they PM'd me and we mutually shared out situations, they also helped me in my decision. Just showing me that they cared made me smile.
 
Once again, thanks to all of you for giving me a hand and listening to me. I'll open myself more from now on.
 
"The drowning man only cares about the depth of the ocean... Not its width."



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#2
audrey

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:-*

#3
Hecken

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#4
Koenios

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So guys, depression is not something to laugh at. If you are depressed, before tempting to clear you mind on doing other stuff... SHARE IT ! Share what you are feeling. Don't think back to your problems at night, it will make you feel even worse. Don't build a shield around yourself. Don't engulf yourself in the darkness. If you ever do, you will see what insanity looks like, it is something I never want to experiment again. It is truly a living nightmare. Help yourself, talk to someone and say it all.

 

Couldn't agree more with this, even if it doesn't completely remove depression, it DEFINITELY helps talking to friends and family about it.

Stay strong!



#5
Artanis

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Crawling out of a dark hole like you are is not an easy thing to experience. It is very much worth it though and the rewards are worth fighting for.  

I know about Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks and know it a difficult life.  Keep doing your thing and you will see things do get better!!



#6
MorriganAensland

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Couldn't agree more with this, even if it doesn't completely remove depression, it DEFINITELY helps talking to friends and family about it.

Stay strong!

Exactly, it won't remove it, but it will greatly help you to feel better and evacuate. After this is done, now it will be the time to solve the problems from its roots and have fun, change your mind and enjoy life as you should do.



#7
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Been there, done that. Craziest shit I've done when I was 13 years old (am bit embarassed to say it but I can't run from it ) I drank 30+ pills Apaurine (sedatives) with wine, I did that in some shithole bar, in closed separe, I was lucky enough that I did it at night and it was closing time, so boss who was closing the bar found me called emergency, my stomache was pumpe but I was in coma for 3 weeks, after that 2 months on observation. Untill today I really don't know what pushed me to do that, maybe shit from my childhood as I was adopted etc, so just want to tell you I've been there, been thro some crazy shit periods, from depression to enourmous rage and fury toward everybody in my sight, and it all happen couse i keeped my moutj shutt, never sheared my feelings always backing down, fighting my own demons, well the point is, sometimes its better to share and open yourself and even to stranger if you feel so, becouse you may fight your own demons but not every time you gonna win.. Like me, I thought i can solve everything with just keeping it to myself, and where did that took me? Almost up there in heaven. JJ in hell for sure xD Well, I'm glad that you shared this with us..i red your post like several times..and found myself from the past in it..so m8 keep talking, sharing, find something you can do wich you like to take away that pressure from you..i started running, boxing, hitting stuff is good :D anyway I feel you bro, you can always PM me, I'm here to talk when ever you feel like to. Thank you for sharing this <3

#8
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I once lost my shit and went to a nuthouse for a weekend. Story's hidden by now in the trials and members section. hah.

 

true%20story.jpg

 

 

 

 

So I feel ya. Do vent your shit when necessary. Talk to someone. Hence why they even have these suicide/depression hotlines for people to just chat to random strangers. Probably even online chat functions as well. They don't judge you and it's anonymous. Bottling shit up is a great way to snap.

 

Good to see things getting brighter for you, dude. Lots of good people here to talk to when you need to.



#9
Patrick

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Then I was 19 I did the same shit like Xp.Boom does. But not went to the coma, quite opposite, actually - I became super energetic, got short term memory loss, got married(!!), did some craziest shit, etc. etc. ....after 3 days my sister found me near our hometown (I was lying on the road unconsciously), and she tooks me to the hospital.

 

 

I wish good health to everyone it that topic, guys.


Edited by Patrick, 22 November 2015 - 05:23 PM.


#10
Raskin

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Know a lot about depression,pain and mental problems..i'm not gonna tell you a tear jerker just this... Deal with it,own it..adapt..every time I had a bad thought I just replaced it with a good one in memory or positive thought..attitude.. do not hold stuff inside...it's ok to cry..I've shed many tears..it's ok..just wipe them away and start anew.do not worry about everything at once..that leaves you powerless..take one issue at a time and the ones you can't change at this time move to something else.. you may solve that other problem later once your mind has time to process it in the background..life is not easy.. all I can say is do not give up..find beauty in life....i wish you the best in your journey  -_-



#11
RedBaird

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I am sure that all of us who have suffered depression have had people tell us to "smile" or "get over it" or somesuch before we got help.
 
Some depressions is normal, such as the mourning period after a loved one dies.
 
I think that our minds somehow adapt to the long-term depression that creeps up on us.  I think that we would recognize it much more easily if the full symptoms happened to us overnight for no reason that we could think of.
 
MorriganAensland, I am glad that you got help.
 
I am proud of you for sharing it here.  It may help others who read your topic.

 


  It may help others who read your topic.
 
I can see a Baidu user reading this topic right now.  

Edited by RedBaird, 22 November 2015 - 10:21 PM.
add Baidu reader


#12
bigbro

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Hope u get well soon and sort all of lives issues out

#13
MorriganAensland

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I'm going to do a GIGANTIC multiquote in order to at least reply to every messages without spamming the topic.

 

:-*

 

:-* Thank you so much once again !

 

<3

 

Thanks buddy. You're still a nerd though, but you're my nerd. <3

 

Crawling out of a dark hole like you are is not an easy thing to experience. It is very much worth it though and the rewards are worth fighting for.  

I know about Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks and know it a difficult life.  Keep doing your thing and you will see things do get better!!

 

It's hard indeed, this dark hole is a trap that our own mind set on itself. It can't get free by itself. It has to get some help. The person trapped has to make a move and ask for the help in order to help himself. It could be a friend, a family member, a complete stranger... But doing the talking can greatly help to at least clear your own mind and let you focus on getting a better life without as much pain.

 

Been there, done that. Craziest shit I've done when I was 13 years old (am bit embarassed to say it but I can't run from it ) I drank 30+ pills Apaurine (sedatives) with wine, I did that in some shithole bar, in closed separe, I was lucky enough that I did it at night and it was closing time, so boss who was closing the bar found me called emergency, my stomache was pumpe but I was in coma for 3 weeks, after that 2 months on observation. Untill today I really don't know what pushed me to do that, maybe shit from my childhood as I was adopted etc, so just want to tell you I've been there, been thro some crazy shit periods, from depression to enourmous rage and fury toward everybody in my sight, and it all happen couse i keeped my moutj shutt, never sheared my feelings always backing down, fighting my own demons, well the point is, sometimes its better to share and open yourself and even to stranger if you feel so, becouse you may fight your own demons but not every time you gonna win.. Like me, I thought i can solve everything with just keeping it to myself, and where did that took me? Almost up there in heaven. JJ in hell for sure xD Well, I'm glad that you shared this with us..i red your post like several times..and found myself from the past in it..so m8 keep talking, sharing, find something you can do wich you like to take away that pressure from you..i started running, boxing, hitting stuff is good :D anyway I feel you bro, you can always PM me, I'm here to talk when ever you feel like to. Thank you for sharing this <3

 

That's pretty intense too. I'm glad you ended up ok from that. After all, you're one of the most likable person in here. I guess we both learned from our experiences that bottling in is the worst we can do. So as I just said above, I'd like to add this. Our brain is sick due to either some illness we have or situations we're living (Sometimes both, just like I). People may think we're overestimating this and its just in our head, everything's fine, it's just a stress and we should just go outdoor and we will be fine. It's so wrong on so many levels. Depression is more than that. This state of mental inability has its roots deeper than what it seems. It's mostly because of current or even past events which are really really hard to get over it. You keep it inside your head thinking you're stronger than that... But you end up hurting yourself instead. 

 

This sickness to our brain can't be cured with pills. The sad truth is for those who take pills: It won't help you. You're the ones who got the power to help yourselves.

 

I once lost my shit and went to a nuthouse for a weekend. Story's hidden by now in the trials and members section. hah.

 

true%20story.jpg

 

 

 

 

So I feel ya. Do vent your shit when necessary. Talk to someone. Hence why they even have these suicide/depression hotlines for people to just chat to random strangers. Probably even online chat functions as well. They don't judge you and it's anonymous. Bottling shit up is a great way to snap.

 

Good to see things getting brighter for you, dude. Lots of good people here to talk to when you need to.

 

The more I'm reading you guys and also with your situations, the more I'm glad I did the topic. It helps to see others who went through the same things and I also shared the topic with a friend of mine who was also heavily depressed. I'll do my best to help her, get her to talk and I'll help her to get her mind in a stable state. I've been through the insanity, barely able to fight it. I want to help as many as I can since it is the worst thing I can think of.

 

Then I was 19 I did the same shit like Xp.Boom does. But not went to the coma, quite opposite, actually - I became super energetic, got short term memory loss, got married(!!), did some craziest shit, etc. etc. ....after 3 days my sister found me near our hometown (I was lying on the road unconsciously), and she tooks me to the hospital.

 

 

I wish good health to everyone it that topic, guys.

 

At 19 years old, this is still fairly young. With out you became super energetic and how you felt, I can imagine how you were pretty much a time bomb for your own sake. I'm glad you ended alive. We're alive now, let's not waste our life.

 

Know a lot about depression,pain and mental problems..i'm not gonna tell you a tear jerker just this... Deal with it,own it..adapt..every time I had a bad thought I just replaced it with a good one in memory or positive thought..attitude.. do not hold stuff inside...it's ok to cry..I've shed many tears..it's ok..just wipe them away and start anew.do not worry about everything at once..that leaves you powerless..take one issue at a time and the ones you can't change at this time move to something else.. you may solve that other problem later once your mind has time to process it in the background..life is not easy.. all I can say is do not give up..find beauty in life....i wish you the best in your journey  -_-

 

Yes, it is fine to be the kind of optimistic person during hard times, it's actually one thing we should try our best to be. We just still have to get done with our issues to progress once and for all. Once it's done, there's no need to think about our past problems anymore, they're gone forever. Go on and be happy like we should all be.

 

 

I am sure that all of us who have suffered depression have had people tell us to "smile" or "get over it" or somesuch before we got help.
 
Some depressions is normal, such as the mourning period after a loved one dies.
 
I think that our minds somehow adapt to the long-term depression that creeps up on us.  I think that we would recognize it much more easily if the full symptoms happened to us overnight for no reason that we could think of.
 
MorriganAensland, I am glad that you got help.
 
I am proud of you for sharing it here.  It may help others who read your topic.

 

 
 
I can see a Baidu user reading this topic right now.  

 

 

What I could've replied to this is the same thing I said to the XP.Boom part. A lot of people don't clearly understand how dangerous the situation can be. Sometimes, even when we think we got through the depression without talking, thinking we're "Top shit", it's never really healed, one more bad thing which can add up could make someone snap. It's really important to learn how to respect our bodies, our heart, our brain... Everything we have. 

 

I hope indeed this topic helps people, it's better to make the right move as quick as we can than take the dark path which leads to somewhere we may never go back.

 

Hope u get well soon and sort all of lives issues out

 

Trust me, I'll sort everything out. But at the same time that I will, I will also talk. Thanks.



#14
bigbro

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Well we are all here if u want to talk

#15
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Yeah we all had some shit in our lives, but just to tell you something, don't think too much of this, I mean don't "study" your "sickness" , couse I've learned the deeper you go into something the harded you will get out of it. It's ok to share your thoughts and feelings, just try not to run it in your mind everyday, couse than you will never escape from it..trust me I know :)





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