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15 replies to this topic

#1
HannahG

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The trust and love we built up over many long days and hardened months,
A jokers hand, and blinded trumps,
stitched together with love and care, undone with 3 short words and 3 more to share.
For you lost the love,
I lost the care.
Unraveling the truth is a dangerous game,
but we came to play, we came to win. A losers hand, an empty sin,
is all we have of what we've been.
It's over.








Let me know what you think.
It's a very personal poem to me, I know I rhymed care with care at one point, I wrote it in under 5 minutes, it sort of just poured out onto the paper that way. And that's how it came from the heart so I'm not changing it.
But opinions? :)


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#2
kristy

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Very nicely written :)

You can tell it was from the heart :yahoo

#3
soulJAHmon

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Well writ, indeed. Who knew you were a talented poet?

#4
Seaside

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Yeah, Kristy is right, we can tell it comes from the heart :)

#5
Zuthus

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I like it :)

#6
Fargwire

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I think it's very good, it says so much.

#7
Antichrist

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That's pretty nice work. Usually the best way to do something is not to second guess yourself :)

#8
Piglet

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I don't know that much about poems (formats and such), but wouldn't you technically be rhyming share with care? Anyway, I think its awesome, as Antichrist said, second-guessing can mess up your work :)

#9
ano'kimchi

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Top tier poem right here, definitely one of the best I've read :)

Edited by ano'kimchi, 10 July 2011 - 04:15 PM.


#10
Wizbang

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Don't change it. It won't mean as much to you then.

#11
Thoracic

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I liked the 'stitched together' line, says a lot with few words, great poem.

#12
HannahG

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Thank you all so much :) I'm glad my poetry is able to touch you all!
And I've posted a few of my works before on here :)


Edit : I also personally enjoy the "It's over" and "I lost the care" parts. Rage writing at it's finest.

Edited by HannahG, 11 July 2011 - 12:50 AM.


#13
abnerdog

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Hannah take the rage out on us in battle. We are used to it. Some of the best songs in history are "spur of the moment" songs. So keep it up.

#14
LaTe

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I agree, dont change it. Life is ups and downs....(boring and over said, i know) but i wish the best for you, and hope your next poem is about how happy you are. :) Everyday above ground is a good 1!!! <3

#15
GI-JOE

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It's good break-up Poetry :)

Also, decided to spend my 400th post here :D

Edited by GI-JOE, 13 July 2011 - 12:05 PM.





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