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Out Of My Foxhole

Posted by LeftWingVixen, 08 November 2014 · 954 views

[Fair Warning: May include some explicit/personal content.]

I'm not the one to vent my dirty laundry. In fact, I have very few outlets in which I can do so - I'm hoping this can become one of them.
Anxiety has always taken over my life. It killed my grandfather, it put my father out of work for an extended period of time, and I'm sure it'll kill me before the age of 30. I'm not sure if it's wishful thinking or my one optimistic thought in my life.

I broke up with my boyfriend this morning. Although I feel he left me long ago.
As most of you are aware, I initially joined back into Wolfenstein / F|A to waste time as I waited for Jason to move up to Oregon with me.

I lived in a small town about an hour and a half north of San Diego called Temecula. My mother dragged me from different schools, different houses, and different marriages throughout my life chasing whatever she thought made her happy. I was an accessory, not a priority.
She finally settled on Temecula. It is an upper middle-class, majority-of-white, wine community. This did not bid well to my obvious Liberalism, since I judge people by character and not immediate appearance.
With being close to my father, who has always lived in Los Angeles, I never had lived with him, though I tried numerous times as a kid. Mom and her fourth husband (to whom she recently divored again) left me in Temecula, CA to move to Castle Rock, CO. I had no choice but to move into my boyfriend (at the time)'s house - in which I endured a heavily abusive relationship in more ways than one. It wore my self-esteem down to the point where I became numb to wind hitting my face and walked streets without looking for the off chance something would hit me. I hated my family and I still do to this day - so I chose an a**h****, piece of shit, drug dealer over people who shared my blood.

During all this time I worked two jobs and owned my 2000 V6 Passat. I'm aware of how entitled that sounds, but I never settled for less than Volkswagen.
I worked as an appointment coordinator at a Volkswagen dealership and a cashier at a local health food store. I was treated badly in both places as an employee - they kept cutting my hours and my paychecks got smaller and smaller to the point where I would go a few days without eating because I put my last few bucks in my gas tank.

I met Jason at Volkswagen. He was a parts consultant whose window was adjacent to mine as an appointment coordinator.
I asked him to help me fix Brad's (my Passat; I name my cars) blinker one day and he did. I got his number and we started hanging out - even thought I am NEVER disloyal to anyone. I told him about my situation and he helped me out.

With the help of my friend's encouragement, I got the nerve to move out of my ex's house into a another house where I rented a room. Jason shunned my ex away because he would often come back around and arrived unnanounced to the place I was living for sex. It was a hard situation, but I got through it. Jason helped me and fed me when I couldn't.

Then, September of 2013, I got a break. I have friends in Hillsboro, Oregon that flew me up there for a few days for fresh air and some relaxation time. I couldn't thank them enough. When I was up there I applied and got accepted on the spot by my current boss and he sent me back home in California for drug/background tests. To this day, I have very little possesions, by choice, making me very portable to move wherever I wanted.

I went to Jason's house and told him what a big financial oppertunity it would be for me and to improve my life tenfold. But I didn't want to leave him. He forced me to go to Oregon in promise that he would someday join me. With a heavy heart, I obliged.

I moved to Salem, Oregon November of 2013 and rented a room in my 'cousin's house' (cousin by one of my mother's marriages). I worked in Tigard, so it was an hour commute to and from work. I didn't mind - I like driving.
Within this time, I joined back into ET and met wonderful people on F|A. Even though everyone is scattered throughout the world, I appreciate every single person who has taken a moment just to say hello to me.
I realize I could've been more productive with my time when I was waiting for Jason, but I don't regret it.

In March of this year, the Volkswagen dealership got bought out and everyone was laid off, giving Jason the perfect oppertunity to come join in me in Salem - and he did. He got a job shortly after in the same city I worked in. After getting tired of spending massive amounts of money on gas just for commuting, we moved into the apartment we currently live in in SW Portland.

I love everything about Portland, and it was my dream to be up here.
But, that's when everything went downhill.

Trying to not go into too much detail, Jason is a door-to-door salesman in a very sketchy triangle scheme. He is 100% commision with no benefits. He works 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. Guess who's home when she's not working normal Mon-Fri 8-5pm hours? Me.

I spent massive amounts of time alone. With my cats and hedgehog.
The sex got dull (to my standards), and since I could only see him on Sunday's (his only day off), his mind got dulled down from his empty-headed coworkers, he was no longer intellectually stimulating to me.
My kinks became 'disgusting'.
My needs became 'unnecessary'.
My lipstick became 'messy'.
My tastes in funeral industires became 'morbid'.
My face turned 'okay'.
My friend (CallMeLime) became a 'f***head' .. because he made me smile.

I became alone. I felt ugly. I was by myself and simultaneously in a relationship.
I became a 'house-wife' type by always being home when he was. I was on his schedule. It was bullshit.

I told him this morning that I can no longer be an accessory to another person.
I am a woman with needs, and even though those needs are not high-maintenance in the least ... they weren't met..

To be quite honest, just typing this out makes me feel slightly better. I thank Lime for driving me around today to separate my bills from Jason as I cried like a little b***... I have so much more to say but I've said too much.

Long story short, Jason chose his 'career' over me. He told me so himself. He just blames me for breaking it off when in all realism, he was never there..
My mind's a wash. I'm sorry guys..

I'm hoping one day I can read exactly what I'm typing now and laugh. I'm sure I will..

I'm a bitching Vixen. I am motivated, strong, pretty at times, and nothing in this Godforskaen world can knock me down!!
But I can always be a bit tender-hearted .
.. especially now..




sorry for the suffering you are enduring at this time....I will be thinking of you when I speak above and will ask an angel to come to you <3 ...I hope my request is granted....it does not matter if you believe....i do....maybe i'm reading this wrong..but,that job Jason has doesn't sound like a good one...maybe he is struggling and was torn trying to make a living and be everything to you....life is not easy and sometimes people can not think of an answer and talk it out well..i would have found another job..i think his priorities were wrong......anyways... I wish the best for you <3.........................yoga breathing always helped me..empty your mind take deep breaths and hold,letting out slowly and feel yourself sink counting from ten down to one when laying in a dark room always helped me relax......you are strong ..you will be fine....sometimes pretty?..plz you are adorable.

Well let me get this out of the way first: you amaze me. Keep your head high, and your ambitions higher- because with your raw emotion, motivation, and willpower you have the ability to change the world- forget about it knocking you around! ;)

You have my best wishes and regards, and I'm sure you'll find yourself in a much better place sooner rather than later.

Chalk it up to another case of shit happens.

 

I've been though shit like this a couple times now. it hurts at first, but it gets better. Much better.

Don't ever sell yourself short. You seem like you got your head in the right place. You'll be alright.

 

This song always pumps me back up when life kicks me in the gut.

 

 

Rock on, chick.

Sorry about that, I know how you feel..Hang in there, You told us last Saturday and man that is some heavy crap. Just come and play on ET that will cheer you up! :)

 This always makes me feel better, when I am feeling down.. Hope it helps :D

 

Takes a lot of courage , but also a lot of relieve to wright this down for us.

 

Keep yo head up!   always!

You have an internal strength that is truly inspirational, and while it doesn't remove or even alleviate the pain you experience currently, it does give you the ability to continue on. Your relationships seem to improve each time, so maybe the next one will be Mr. Right....

Wow this looks exactly like my life now at the moment i hope ur's will turn from .... to ffreaking great i really do i feel sorry for you and hope it will become all better in the future

Props to you girl.

Continue to be you. 
~You are a strong, independent, black woman that don't need no man.~

Best of luck in all that you do.

you are one strong women Respect sister

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